Inevitable
by mistress amethyst une
Summary: Chakotay takes command of Voyager as Janeway lies comatose after a brush with death. As fate conspires to take her from him a second time, can he continue the journey home or will his grief drive him to do the unthinkable? Not your usual Endgame fixer.
1. Part 1

**Disclaimer:** ST: VOY is not mine.

**Author's Note: **This story can stand on its own but it would be advisable that you read the one-shot Kiss Me Goodbye before diving into this. Some plot points that may seem vague here would probably be explained there. This was written in my attempt to do two things: fix a death fic and make an Endgame fixer that somehow doesn't involve Endgame or the Borg quick fix way home in the ending TPTB gave us. Oh, and I own the Akial. (laughs) Had to use a plot device other than Korath to make some of this plausible.

**Acknowledgment: **Thanks for the beta, quantumsilver! Many huggles for you and for your ferrets! Thanks for clearing up the whole comma-period fiasco in my grammatical hell. :)

**Inevitable****  
****By mistress amethyst une**

**Part 1**

Captain Chakotay sat in the ready room that was once Kathryn's. His ready room, now. He ran his fingers over the four pips pinned to his uniform turtleneck. A symbol of her captaincy which was now his burden to bear. It was one of those days when painful memories just refused to leave him alone.

His final conversation with Seven echoed in his head. The conversation prior to their divorce after her refusal to provide nanoprobes to help bring Kathryn back from the dead…

"_She died to save you!"_

"_Only to have you keep me in her ship's brig," she replied indignantly._

"_You committed a serious act of insubordination resulting in your commanding officer's death. Even if I am your husband, did you expect me to go easy on you? I'm captain now and I won't let you get away with this."_

"_You are a fool. You are infatuated with a corpse."_

"_No, Seven. I was married to a corpse. To you."_

"_Was?"_

"_You really expect me to stay married to you after that stunt you pulled? This marriage is over."_

_For the first time, Seven looked seriously dumbfounded._

"_What will I do without you?" she asked, almost meekly._

_"I admire your confidence but you won't be doing anything regardless of being with or without me. Enjoy the rest of the journey in the brig," he replied harshly as he turned his back on her wondering what he had ever seen in her. "You'll adapt."_

_"I will need to regenerate," she called out after him._

_He had begun to walk away, but froze in his tracks although he refused to turn and face her. "The doctor will accompany you to the cargo bay when you need to regenerate and escort you back to the brig after each cycle. You will no longer associate with the Voyager crew, and are hereby stripped of all privileges."_

_"Captain Janeway would not have wanted this."_

_"Thanks to you, we might never really know what she wanted." _

_For once, she was at a loss for words and could say nothing as he walked out of her life forever. _

Icheb had been more than willing to help in the efforts to bring Captain Janeway back. She had been brain dead for just over two hours when she'd been brought to Sickbay. The doctor had been able to restore brain activity, but she remained comatose. They kept her in a stasis chamber the doctor had altered specifically to aid in her nanoprobe therapy. They all hoped she would one day wake, and Chakotay was eternally indebted to Icheb for generously donating his nanoprobes upon Seven's refusal. Chakotay visited her everyday and was constantly inquiring about her condition. He even spoke to her hoping she could hear him.

The time came when her body could function independently from the stasis chamber, although she still refused to wake. She was then kept on a biobed, and his visits increased in frequency. His eyes had welled up the first time he'd been able to touch her again. The dermal regenerator had done a damn good job, and all signs of injury had been erased from her features. He didn't dare to hope for her full recovery just yet because, despite her now restored appearance, he knew quite well that the EMH was far from done repairing all the internal damage. Outwardly, she was the perfect picture of health and lay there pristinely in a hospital gown. Completely at peace, even as red alert klaxons constantly took her most ardent admirer away from her bedside...

It was during one of his frequent visits to her that Chakotay had needed to rush down to the brig. What was his ex-Borg ex-wife up to that had prompted an entire security team to rush down there? He was more than a little peeved at the sight which greeted him. This was what they'd dragged him away from Kathryn for?

"Captain," remarked Tuvok. "Lieutenant Torres seemed inclined to use extreme physical force on the prisoner."

He could see B'Elanna restrained by two security officers. She was cursing and raging. He didn't bother to glance at Seven's reaction.

"Why won't you let me give her what she deserves?" she screamed as she struggled. "Because of her, Captain Janeway is dead! Dead because this Borg bitch wanted to show off! Only reason I wasn't down here sooner was because of all the work that needed to be done. Do you have any idea how much damage we sustained after your little stunt? Those people were not happy about our stealing their dilithium. They sent a fleet after us! A fleet!"

B'Elanna looked ready to break down in tears of rage. "Of course, we wouldn't have had to steal if you hadn't provoked them. Your bright idea to take what wasn't ours. We should have waited, damn it! 'Too risky, Seven!' Remember that? She chastised you in front of all the senior officers during the briefing. The Captain and I already had energy conservation plans in place and there was another planet we could have mined from just a few light years away. But no...that was too 'inefficient ' for you! You had to do it your way. What's the matter, Seven? She was a threat to your marriage? Showed everyone just how unreasonable you could be, and you needed to prove her wrong somehow? She left you and Chakotay alone even when her heart was breaking! I don't understand this! Tuvok, make them let me go! She needs to be taught a damned lesson! And you won't even offer a single nanoprobe to save her life after she died to save you? What the hell is wrong with you? Afraid you'll lose your husband to her? Ha! You can't even compete with her dead body, you-"

"Enough, Lieutenant," admonished Tuvok.

"Oh, I'm far from done. So Seven-"

"You should have let B'Elanna beat her to a pulp."

The words issued by the once-gentle first officer turned bitter captain were shocking to hear, and quickly put a stop to the engineer's stream of words.

"Captain?"

"Never mind. Please, as much as possible, do not involve me in matters concerning Seven. If you can handle it yourselves, do so. I might make an irrational decision owing to the nature of her crime and its personal impact on me. Is that clear?"

His glare mirrored Janeway's exactly.

"Acknowledged," replied Tuvok without protest.

"Dismissed."

The security team walked out, and B'Elanna was about to follow them.

"Not you, Lieutenant."

She froze.

"My ready room. Ten minutes. Make your peace with Seven or beat the crap out of her...I honestly don't care. Just don't be late."

He walked out, leaving Voyager's Chief Engineer frozen at his uncharacteristic harshness. Not once had he looked at his ex-wife, who sat up straight and defiantly in her cell throughout the entire discourse.

B'Elanna threw the ex-Borg a look of disgust.

"You know what?" she said, breathing deeply to calm herself. "I don't have time for you right now. You'd better hope I have a good day in Engineering tomorrow. Might end up changing my mind. Captain Janeway would have gone a lot easier on you. If anything good came of her death, it's your being knocked off that damned high horse. That and Chakotay seems to be coming to his senses."

B'Elanna laughed bitterly. "You had it all, you know. Married to the second-highest-ranking officer on the ship, supported by the captain, admired by a majority of the men and envied by most of the women aboard for both your intelligence and beauty... and you threw it all away because you wanted more. I knew he was going to leave you. It was only a matter of time. He couldn't stay away from her for long. You should have been happy to have had him at all... I never did understand why she didn't fight for him. She loved you, you know. Thought of you like a daughter. Guess she thought your happiness meant more than her own. If she could see you now...ungrateful bitch."

Her combadge chirped. "Chakotay to Torres. Five minutes, Lieutenant."

"I'll be right there."

Before leaving the brig, she locked eyes with Seven and coldly stated her intent. "You remember what he said earlier, don't you? I basically have permission to kill you in cold blood if I want to."

"I will resist," replied Seven. She could no longer hold her tongue against the half-Klingon's verbal onslaught.

"Oh, so you haven't lost the ability to talk after all," stated B'Elanna mockingly. "As much as I'd love to reply to that with your personal Borg cliché, I'd rather not waste my breath."

"This is not over."

"Of course not," she said with a menacing grin. "When I'm shoving you out an airlock...that's when it'll be over."

She made sure to apply an edge to her tone with those last five words. She was dead serious, and her eyes emanated pure poison in Seven's direction. A smile of satisfaction played upon her lips as she turned from the target of her intimidation. She could've sworn she'd seen the ex-Borg twitch.

Feeling considerably better and grinning smugly, she made her way to the turbolift. Well, that had improved her mood. Miral and Tom wouldn't have to deal with her short temper tonight. She intended to visit Captain Janeway after her little chat with Chakotay. It had been forever since she'd seen her former commanding officer.

"Deck one," she told the computer upon entering the turbolift. She seriously wondered what Chakotay wanted to talk about. The fact that he actually wished harm on the wife he once adored left her more than a little confused. Would she be chastised or commended for her attempted actions against Seven? She almost laughed. Chakotay commending her for using violence out of anger? Now that would be something to talk about...

B'Elanna entered the ready room and stood at attention before Chakotay. He was seated on the couch he had so often occupied with Kathryn and was seemingly engrossed in a PADD.

"At ease, Lieutenant," he said with a wave of his hand not even bothering to look at her. "Now tell me, what were you thinking going down to the brig like that?"

"Sir?"

His slight slump betrayed his fatigue. He put the PADD down on the coffee table and finally met her gaze. "Come sit down."

She arched an eyebrow at him but didn't bother to ask for his reasons. She took her position beside him on the couch without protest.

"So, what did you want to talk about, Sir?"

"It's just Chakotay right now."

"Ok...just know that now that we've dropped formality, I'm a hell of a lot more likely to curse at you."

She must have imagined his mouth quirking into a small smile for a split second before it returned to the sad hyphen that had become its natural state since the captain's demise.

"I'll deserve every word of it, B'Elanna," he remarked bitterly. "Just answer the question I asked. You can bludgeon me afterwards."

"About Seven?"

He suppressed a wince at the sound of his ex-wife's name. "Yes. Why did you go down there?"

"Isn't it obvious? I wanted to give the Borg bitch hell for what she did. And from what I heard from you down there, you felt the same. Quite surprising, really. I can't say I've ever seen that degree of hatred from you. Not even for the Cardassians. Over the past few years, you seemed to have gotten a lid on your temper."

"Well, Seven blew that lid off," he replied with a bitter chuckle -- a sound which had become foreign to him. He couldn't recall the last time he'd really laughed, and the mild chortle he'd just emitted only pained him. Would the only laughter he'd have now come from finding the sick humor in his situation?

"Killed it, you mean. Captain Janeway was your buffer, wasn't she?"

He was silent. She put her hand on his shoulder as a comforting gesture, but he pulled away.

"Sorry," he remarked. "It's just that-"

"_She_ used to do that. I know," B'Elanna sighed. "When she started speaking to you less and less, she turned to me. Started off with her just asking about Miral while I submitted my reports. Gradually escalated to a few talks over coffee. She soon opened up and our discussions grew more personal. I even ended up taking your place at those weekly dinners she used to share with you. Tom kept joking that I was cheating on him with the captain. She even let me call her Kathryn sometimes."

"So she replaced me?"

He seriously looked hurt by her admission. Like he'd been struck in the face and was dazed by the sudden pain of impact...

B'Elanna snorted. "Yeah, a married woman is an excellent replacement for the love of her life. Don't be a hypocrite, Chakotay. You replaced her first. All those times she was having dinner with me, we both knew she would rather have been with you. But where were you? Yet another rain check? Even before you married Seven, you'd already begun to blow her off. She had no idea that first time you declined her for lunch would be the end of your off-duty time together. She remembered that very well, you know. Got a bit choked up when she told me about it. That was the same day she had to kill the crew's hopes by declining to explore that Borg-infested nebula for a way home. She was miserable but no one knew. Usually, it's you who knows when she's feeling down, but you were too busy being happy with Seven. I wanted to pity her. She really thought she could be happy just seeing you happy."

She didn't think it was possible for him to look even more miserable, but he proved her wrong by burying his face in his hands as his eyes began to water.

"I had no idea," he said in a muffled voice infused with regret and suppressed tears. "I knew we had something between us but I had no idea what it was...I didn't know until she asked me to kiss her before she died."

She sighed. "Chakotay, at least she finally made her feelings clear to you. I've been telling her to do something like that for months. She scolded me, saying you were married and that she could never be the other woman. I told her you'd leave Seven sooner or later, and she told me to bite my tongue. She'd really given up all hope, you know. Probably why she only kissed you when she had nothing left to lose."

She heard him begin to sob into his hands.

"How could I hurt her like that? I'll never get to tell her what she meant to me..."

"Chakotay, you never meant to hurt her. We're all sure of that. All right, so you were being an idiot and a lot of us weren't opposed to giving you a good beating. Kahless knows how many times Ayala's asked me if brig time would be worth stunning you for being such a fool. But who knows? She might wake up someday. It's only been a month. There's still hope."

"But for all intents and purposes, she's dead," he said in a voice that was raw with pain. He allowed his hands to slide from his face and wiped away the few tears he'd allowed himself to shed. "Maybe Seven was right. Maybe I am infatuated with a corpse."

Her eyes widened in anger even as she tried to keep her tone steady despite the escalation in tone. "She said what! How dare-"

"B'Elanna, please. Don't make things any worse. I don't want Tuvok dragging me down there for a murder investigation."

He smiled weakly to disarm her temper. It was good to have let a bit of his gloom out, and he found that his small grin was sincere.

Voyager's chief engineer did her best to calm herself and sighed. "Well, haven't seen those dimples in awhile. I was afraid you'd lost them from lack of use."

He gave a mild chortle, one bereft of all bitterness. "I couldn't let that happen. She'll need something nice to look at when she wakes up."

B'Elanna grinned. "Finally, some optimism! That's what I'm talking about. So maybe we should go visit her now? I wanted to do just that after our little chat. It might be good for us to go and see her together. I haven't seen her restored yet and I hear she's breathing on her own now. Felt a bit morbid seeing her in that stasis chamber. Reminded me too much of a coffin."

Chakotay gave a weak nod. "She's looking much better...like she's only sleeping. I'm sure she'd appreciate a visit from her dinner buddy."

She got up and offered him his hand. "Dinner buddies. Not just me. You'll need to cook for her when she wakes up. Start making up for all those meals she missed."

He took her hand and rose. "I'll have to figure out a way to work coffee into every course."

She smiled at him as they left the ready room hand in hand. "Probably what she's dreaming of right now..."

In the hall, they ran into Tom who guffawed at the sight of his wife hand in hand with Voyager's new captain. "Well, well, well...you do love cheating on me with captains, don't you?"

She playfully swatted at him as he kissed her on the cheek. Chakotay released her hand to let her hug her husband.

"I just have a better reputation with the brass than you," she told him with a mild chuckle.

"Tell me about it," said Tom with a grin. He'd been trying to keep himself cheerful since the captain's "death." With Neelix gone, someone had to at least try to keep the crew from getting too depressed. It was far from easy considering he'd needed to keep his mood light on virtually no sleep. Between having to tend to Miral, his time both at the helm and in Sickbay and giving the occasional depressed ensign a pep talk, he had little time for rest.

Chakotay had taken him aside and offered him the position of first officer a couple of weeks ago, and he had politely declined. He had too much on his plate as it was. He knew Tuvok had turned down the position too, and that the Vulcan was meditating more and more. When Tom had asked why, Tuvok had only replied that it was a private matter. It seemed that Chakotay's old seat would have to stay empty, and Voyager's new captain would have to take them home with no one at his side.

"So, where are you two off to?"

"Visiting Captain Janeway in Sickbay," replied B'Elanna.

Tom smiled. "I just came from there. Finished my shift; she's looking good. Doc says her brain functions are still weak though. We've been giving her nutrients, seeing if she can absorb them. Now that she's out of stasis, we can't have her starving in her sleep."

"Aren't you the perfect little nurse?" she teased. "So, are you going to join us?"

"Nah," he smiled. "You and Captain Chakotay go. I think Captain Janeway's getting sick of having me hovering over her all day. Besides, I have to go get Miral and Harry. We owe him dinner tonight."

She leaned into him for a quick kiss. "Tell her that Mommy will be with her soon. Harry's been so nice to take care of her. And remind him not to try to calm her with rattles. The sound really annoys her."

"Yes, ma'am," he joked before walking off.

B'Elanna turned to Chakotay and he nodded. They made their way to the turbolift in mutual silence.

"Deck five," he said when they had both entered the turbolift. He always grew uneasy when he was going to see Kathryn. What would she be like when he saw her this time? Would there be more good news about her improving condition, or would she be struggling to cling to what little life they had managed to impart back into her body? Tom's words to him in the hall should have reassured him, but they made him worry even more. Starving to death in her sleep...there were so many ways she could die...again.

The turbolift doors opened as they arrived on deck five and made their way to Sickbay. The morose EMH greeted them. The doctor was caught in quite a mess. It was no secret that he had loved Seven once, and probably still did. He had grown sentient over the past nine years. Even if some would still consider him as nothing more than a piece of medical equipment, the pain he felt was tangible. His holographic heart was broken over what had transpired between the woman he adored and the woman he most respected. The one he loved was incarcerated, while the captain he held in such high esteem was in a state one couldn't exactly call living. How long had he been suffering? It had been almost three years since Seven had turned him down, six months since she'd married Chakotay, one month since Captain Janeway had been struck down. Every day was pain. He could delete his subroutines for emotion and end his suffering, but opted not to. He had no idea why.

He knew that he and Captain Janeway were both stung by that union the most, and they had occasionally discussed the subject offhandedly during her physicals, and whenever he was putting her back together after yet another reckless move during a mission.

_"You miss her, don't you?" _

_She sat upright on the biobed as he ran the dermal regenerator over the last of her injuries._

_"Captain, do you really want to talk about this?" said the mildly irate EMH who had just finished scolding her for yet another foolhardy decision. She'd put herself at risk yet again by deciding to personally intercede in a brawl between a few intoxicated members of her crew and some rather rowdy aliens...so much for shore leave._

_"You started it with that perpetual frown of yours. You miss Seven."_

_"When did that ever matter? Who cares about how the hologram feels? Tweak a few subroutines, and he should be right as rain again."_

_"Do you really feel we think that little of you? You're our friend."_

_"Friend? They come in here rubbing their happiness in my face, and she hardly acknowledges me while he pretends I never had anything with his new wife. Captain, their marriage is a farce. He's old enough to be her father, and she's practically a teenager, just beginning to learn her new emotions now that her fail-safe has been removed. They don't even share a bed at night. She regenerates in the cargo bay, and he sleeps in their shared quarters alone unless they decide to get frisky."_

_His every word was laced with bitterness._

_"Their marriage has been hardest on you, I suppose," replied Janeway. "But I'm quite sure neither of them bears you any ill will."_

_"Captain, stop pretending you're not hurt by this too. I'm a doctor, not a counselor, but it's still plain to see that you're practically dripping with discontent."_

_She sighed. "There's nothing I can do. I could never stand in the way of their happiness. Right now, his happiness is Seven."_

_"It used to be you."_

_"'Used to be.' Not anymore. He grew tired of me I guess. Because I never gave him a reason to hope. Don't feel sorry for me, doctor. If anything, I should be the one offering you comfort. You offered her your heart, and she turned it down. Even I can see that was a mistake on her part. You're a good man."_

_"A holographic one."_

_"That doesn't make you anything less. You've grown with this crew and with this ship. You helped her grow with you. We feel with flesh and blood, heart and mind. You feel with something entirely different, but that doesn't make your heartbreak anything less than what it would be in someone who wasn't a hologram."_

_"Someone like you?"_

_She was silent and stepped off the biobed. "Perhaps."_

_She walked off and left Sickbay. _

"Captain Chakotay, Lieutenant Torres," he said, acknowledging them both with snippy formality. "I assume you're here to see Captain Janeway. I'll leave you to your own devices."

Voyager's new captain was not the least bit surprised at the EMH's hostility toward him. The doctor had loved Seven and been turned down by her in favor of dating Chakotay. He'd taken the doctor's place in giving her social lessons. The poor EMH was left completely out in the cold.

The doctor made his way into his office to look over his analysis of a new drug he intended to synthesize. He really needed to get his work done, but his thoughts kept drifting back to Seven. He accompanied her for regeneration cycles, and she always followed him mutely. Apparently, she was suppressing her emotions quite well, even after having had her fail-safe removed. Where had _his_ Seven gone? The one who was so eager to learn about humanity, who showed as much emotion as she could, although she was limited by her Borg implants and baffled by the practices of the crew. Probably drowned and died in the tide of emotions that had engulfed her after she failed to keep her marriage from falling apart. Admittedly, it was diffcult to recover from the trauma of inadvertently killing the true object of one's husband's affections. The young woman he saw down there was not the Seven he had loved. The only thing down there in the brig was a cold, jilted, stubborn, and bitter bitch...

He turned his attention back to his work.

_"Chronexaline?"_

_"Yes, Captain. Remember the 'year of hell' that Kes described?"_

_"The alternate timeline she saw because of the chroniton particles in her system?"_

_"Exactly. Well, that got me thinking about protection against chroniton particles and other hazards of time travel. At least on a biological level."_

_"So, what does this drug do?"_

_"It protects all biological matter from tachyon radiation, chroniton particles, and various other hazards we might face while encountering a temporal anomaly. You must admit, there were residual traces of radiation everywhere after that impromptu trip to the twentieth century. We were only fortunate to have had shields up. If our shields had been down, who knows what might have happened?"_

_"I get your point. But why, doctor? You can't just suddenly have the urge to do a large-scale project like this?"_

_"I need a distraction. Besides, the chrono deflector-"_

_She cut him off. "That's our little secret. The Akial wanted to thank you for your medical services, and would have been offended if we turned down their gift. It seemed a waste to throw away perfectly good technology that we could perhaps alter for other purposes someday. You have my full support on the chronexaline, but forget about the chrono deflector. You know how I hate temporal paradoxes."_

_He sighed. "I'll forget about using the deflector, but at least let me keep it in Sickbay. Have Lieutenant Torres work with me. I'd like to see what effects a temporal rift it might open would have. She'd be able to run simulations to help my research on the effects of a rift. It'll help me see how else I can improve the drug."_

_She looked apprehensive but his look was sufficiently pleading. "Fine. But I'll have to swear B'Elanna to secrecy too. They say the only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead. Don't prove them right." She smiled at him as she rested an encouraging hand on his shoulder. She was putting her complete faith in him._

He desperately wanted to groan in frustration. The chemical would have been perfect had it not been a double-edged sword. As he'd expected, chronexaline could provide the user complete biological protection from radiation during time travel, but it also had the side effect of turning toxic after a few days in a living system. The only application he could think of for it was if the user was going on a temporal suicide mission. Travel forwards or backwards in time to change one event, with no intention of returning to his own timeline. He wondered if he should scrap the whole endeavor. They certainly couldn't use it for immediate protection if faced with the danger of a temporal anomaly. Not unless, the trouble they faced forced them no other recourse but to alter time and space in order to save the ship.

He peeked over his work to look at Chakotay and Torres. Chakotay was standing, and his gaze never left the captain's unconscious form. Torres had taken Chakotay's usual seat by the captain's bedside, and was speaking animatedly with the sleeping woman. The doctor couldn't help but let his glance dart back to Chakotay. There was something about that gaze that transcended sadness: his eyes were haunted.

The doctor shook his head as he returned to his work. Perhaps there was a way to remove the toxicity of the chronexaline...they were in dire straits and using the chrono deflector had crossed his mind more than once. Captain Janeway wouldn't have wanted the Temporal Prime Directive to be broken, but her crew needed her. If the treatments for her failed and she truly died, he knew Chakotay would be unable to take it and would be incapable of command.

"_The cortical stimulator is working," said the doctor. "I'm getting a weak pulse."_

"_She's coming back," said Chakotay, his voice awash with relief._

"_I'll use cordrazine along with the stimulator."_

_Her eyes fluttered shut again, as the hypospray hissed against her neck. Chakotay's expression of relief was quickly replaced by one of horror, as her condition went into yet another downward spiral._

_Tuvok stepped forward, and went to see if he could somehow help. _

"_Her eyes are open," said Chakotay, sighing with relief again, even as a mild sense of panic permeated his voice._

"_Vital signs are responding," reported the EMH. "Blood pressure is sixty over thirty."_

_Tuvok pointed out their main problem. "But the entity is still inhabiting her cerebral cortex, impeding your treatment."_

_Chakotay pleaded with her, his voice replete with emotion. "Kathryn, hang on. We're bringing you back. Just fight a little longer."_

_The doctor decided to try a different approach. "Direct synaptic stimulation might drive out the alien presence."_

_Her eyes snapped shut again._

"_Do it!" Chakotay practically yelled._

_She drifted back into consciousness for a few seconds._

"_Something's happened," said the EMH. "The alien presence is getting stronger again."_

"_Fight it, Kathryn, just a little longer." He was begging her to stay alive. _

_The doctor did his best to keep her from losing the battle. None of them could afford to lose her. Chakotay would undoubtedly blame himself, and wouldn't be at his best in command._

"_I'll have to try a thoron pulse…"_

The doctor distinctly remembered that day. The relief on Chakotay's face when he was finally certain of her safety. The doctor knew that one reason Chakotay still had his wits about him, was because he still had the captain to cling to. If she really had been lost, no one could really tell how the new captain would have responded. Probably taken command, as best he could, since she had personally entrusted him with the duty. There were so many factors to take into consideration, so one could never be truly certain. Surely, Chakotay was never the same after the captain's first "death." If she died, a second time…well, a man's heart could only take so much grief.

The doctor sighed as he further reflected on their predicament. He knew that Tuvok was ill and meditated to keep senility at bay. The Vulcan would be unable to replace Chakotay in that event. But who the hell would be willing to go back in time and risk erasing themselves from existence? He knew he would have gone in a heartbeat had he not known for sure that tachyon radiation, at the levels released by the deflector, would degrade his program beyond repair. He shook his head. No, it was best to be optimistic. Why was he even considering messing with space and time, when there was a chance she could still wake up? This was proving to be an exercise in futility.

After an hour, Chakotay and Torres left the captain and bid the doctor goodbye. As they made their way to the turbolift, their emotional fatigue was apparent.

"Deck nine," said B'Elanna as they entered the lift. "Care to join Tom and me for dinner? Harry will be there, too."

"Why not? I could use some company."

The turbolift doors hissed open as they arrived on deck nine.

"By the way," he asked, "what were you telling the captain about an enhanced warp drive?"

"Oh that," she replied. "Joe and I were working on some warp drive modifications that could cut our remaining travel time. We've taken quite a few light year jumps so our journey's been considerably shortened as it is. I recently factored in our current course. Considering our current distance from the Alpha Quadrant, it'll take us two years if we got those modifications online now. Joe used to joke that we'd have to add on another year to our estimates because the captain would want to explore every anomaly in sight."

"Where are the schematics?"

She frowned visibly as she keyed in the code to her shared quarters with Tom. "It's still highly experimental."

They doors hissed open, and they were welcomed by the sound of Miral shrieking in Harry's arms as he desperately tried to calm her with a rattle. She had reached her terrible twos and was beginning to walk and talk. The child always seemed to be traveling at warp nine and Tom had tasked Harry with putting her to bed.

"Unca Haha! Rara!" the young girl shrieked in between cries, "No! No! NO!"

B'Elanna grabbed the rattle from the distressed ensign, "Harry! What do you think you're doing?"

"Huh?"

"No rattles, Harry. She hates the sound. Didn't Tom tell you?"

"Mama!" shrieked Miral with delight as B'Elanna took her from Harry and cradled her in her arms.

"Sorry, B'Elanna," sighed Harry. "My younger cousin loved rattles, and I was always taking care of him when we were growing up. Shouldn't have used the same approach on Miral. Tom hasn't arrived yet so he didn't get the chance to warn me."

B'Elanna held Miral and took her into the room she shared with Tom. They were in rather cramped quarters, but the cradle somehow fit in the bedroom. She lowered Miral inside.

"Mama and Dada have dinner with the captain, ok?" she smiled at the child. "Can you try to shhh tonight?"

Miral reached out for her and squealed. She didn't seem to be listening.

"Oh fine, I'll rock you to sleep. But really, you need to shhh..."

She took Miral back into the main living area. "Hope you don't mind, but our little Klingon princess wants to join us for dinner. Did you feed her already, Harry?"

"Mashed veggies," he replied and pointed to the huge green and orange stain on his gold Ops uniform.

"I see...I'll just hold her until she drifts off. Tom should be here soon. Let's all sit at the table."

Chakotay and Harry followed and sat with her just as Tom entered.

"Sorry, I'm late," he sighed. "Ran into Brooks. She looked kinda down-"

"We know. You're practically morale officer now," smiled B'Elanna as she continued to rock Miral gently. "Do you mind replicating dinner? I can't exactly get up."

Tom replicated a vegetable stew for Chakotay and a meatloaf for the rest of them. B'Elanna ate as best she could with a fork in one hand and Miral cuddled in the crook of her left arm. She bounced her knee and willed her daughter to sleep. Everyone spoke in whispers.

"So, the enhanced warp drive?" inquired Chakotay in as quiet a voice as he could.

"I'll hand in the schematics tomorrow," she whispered. "It's still highly experimental, I told you. We'll need to fix a few things. Joe isn't around to help me anymore."

"What about Vorik?"

Tom snorted and quipped in a hush. "They'll be at each other's throats before anything gets done."

Harry suppressed a laugh as the faintest snore was heard from Miral.

"Finally, she's asleep," sighed B'Elanna who got up to take the girl to her crib. Upon her return, she rejoiced at having the use of both hands and eagerly dug into her meal. She'd been on her feet for well over twelve hours and hadn't eaten since breakfast.

"So what else do you want to know about the drive?" she asked Chakotay.

"How long will it take to get it up and running?"

"It depends. It's going to be quite risky."

"If it means getting home..."

"A way home?" interjected Harry.

Tom replied for B'Elanna. "Enhanced warp drive. Her little project on the side with Joe."

"Yes. We were almost done too but..."

"That away mission," Chakotay finished the sentence for her. "Friendship One."

"I guess I should finish what we started if only to make sure his efforts weren't in vain," she said, trying not to dwell on how Joe died.

"Good idea," replied Chakotay. "You have my full support. Use any resources you might need and feel free to run tests as soon as I've looked over the schematics."

B'Elanna nodded her agreement as Tom cleared his throat.

"So shall we move on to more conventional dinner talk?" he asked. "How was your visit to the captain?"

"The usual," sighed Chakotay. "She's looking much better, but she doesn't seem to show any signs of waking up any time soon. She looks so peaceful though. She did avoid rest like the plague when she was still up and about...you had a lot to say to her, didn't you, B'Elanna?"

"Just updated her on how we're all taking care of her ship. Told her about the enhanced warp drive Chakotay and I just discussed. I'd actually thought of implementing it for the longest time, but it didn't feel right without Joe around. Guess I'll be doing it now...to honor both him and the captain."

"Here's to that," said Tom raising his glass of water for a toast. "A pity we don't have any bubbly to celebrate. To Joe and to Captain Janeway..."

The others solemnly followed his example. As their glasses clinked together, they knew in their hearts they could not afford to fail at this shot at home, lest they lose their captain who already had one foot firmly entrenched in the grave.

Dinner ended soon after that toast, and Tom and B'Elanna bid Harry and Chakotay goodbye. They all needed a good night's sleep for the coming day. After sending Harry off, Tom wished Chakotay a good night before going to check on Miral. B'Elanna hugged her friend and gave him one last admonishment before bed.

"We all know you've been sleeping in the ready room since you became captain. Sleep on a proper bed tonight, ok? You'll hurt your back on that couch."

"I'm not that old."

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

"Nope. Sorry B'Elanna but I have my reasons for sleeping there. Please understand."

She gave a sigh of exasperation as she sent him on his way. "Fine. But don't blame me if you throw your back out."

He left their quarters and was relieved that she hadn't nagged him too much. How could she understand that sleeping there was the one thing that gave him comfort? As he walked down the hall and boarded the turbolift, he had a moment of indecision before finally asking to be taken to deck one. No, he couldn't bear to stay in his quarters.

He'd shared those quarters with Seven when they were married. True, she rarely slept there due to her regeneration cycles, but he didn't think he could sleep on the same bed where he had, to use Seven's term, "copulated" with the woman who had performed the foolhardy stunt leading to Kathryn's demise. When he had decided to drop hints about ending their marriage, he had left the bed immediately after sex and opted to sleep on the couch. Seven didn't understand. Maybe if he'd told her point blank, none of this would have happened.

Upon arriving on deck one, he made a beeline for the ready room. His routine: sleep a couple of hours, visit his quarters for a quick sonic shower, replicate a new uniform after recycling the one he'd slept in. He didn't even bother to change before nodding off. He knew he wouldn't be asleep for very long. Without so much as a care, he threw off his uniform jacket and boots, hit the couch and snoozed in his turtleneck and uniform trousers. It was his way of coping. The ready room was very comforting. He hadn't changed a single thing since receiving captaincy. Even the smell of black coffee still hung in the air from the many cups Kathryn had replicated, guzzled and, once in awhile, spilled while she was in command.

He slept soundly that night, knowing a clear way home was on the horizon and almost welcomed the morning instead of facing it with his usual dread. After freshening up, he took his seat at her desk and got started on a few reports. B'Elanna arrived at 0900 with the schematics he requested.

"Sleep well, Captain?"

"Better than usual. Now, let's see it."

She handed him the PADD, "That's the list of the necessary modifications. If we start now, it'll be done within the month. Just in time to commemorate one decade of being in the Delta Quadrant. We'll have to make adjustments once in awhile but I think it's pretty sound."

After looking over it and seeing exactly what the modifications would be, he returned the PADD to her. "Begin as soon as possible."

They were interrupted by the chirp of her combadge. "Sickbay to Torres."

"Torres here."

"It's time we talked about our little pet project."

Chakotay gave her a confused stare as her eyes widened in clandestine understanding of the doctor's words. The chrono deflector and the chronexaline...he was done?

"I'm in a meeting with the captain right now."

"I see. Meet me right after."

The doctor sighed as Lieutenant Torres ended the comm link. He had lowered the chronexaline's toxicity enough for the user to live with no ill effects for one month. After that...well, he didn't want to think of what would happen after that. This was the best he could do. Torres had told him to notify her once he was done with their project. This was as done as it was ever going to get. He just saw fit to tell her before scrapping it permanently. He needed to get rid of it before he ended up contemplating having someone use it. Chakotay would probably jump at the chance if he ever found out about it and the temporal deflector. The doctor refused to risk the death of a second commanding officer and saw no other recourse but to destroy his findings.

He sighed as he looked at the screen showing the captain's brain activity. If she didn't wake up soon, she might never regain consciousness. Forever trapped in a dreamless sleep. In this state, was she really still alive? Could the risk possibly be worth it after all?

* * *

Ok, I decided to split this thing into three. Part two jumps to a time when the enhanced warp drive is in place already. :) By the way, the idea for the enhanced warp drive was taken from Course: Oblivion.


	2. Part 2

**Disclaimer:** ST: VOY is not mine.

**Author's Note: **The dialogue about buttons was inspired by seeing a video of Garrett Wang discussing how the Voyager cast dealt with consoles. I borrowed a bit of the battle and the disaster from the Year of Hell transcript and altered it for my own purposes with a bit of Elorie's help.

**Acknowledgment:** Thanks again, quantumsilver. My army of leeks and plot bunnies worship thee!

**Inevitable****  
****By mistress amethyst une**

**Part 2**

The enhanced warp drive had been up and running for well over a week. They had thrown a small party in Engineering mirroring their little celebration when the quantum slipstream drive had been put into place five years earlier. They were actually commemorating two things: a way home and a decade in the Delta Quadrant.

Chakotay had forced himself to join the festivities and found that he still did enjoy mingling with the crew. It had been quite awhile, and he was glad that they didn't reproach him for his lack of involvement with them. If anything, they were overjoyed to have him in their presence, and he had lost count of how many inquiries he'd gotten about his health and well-being. Some of the junior staff had even been bold enough to hug him. Many reassured him that they understood perfectly that Captain Janeway's situation must have left him deeply affected. They all told him that they would serve under him with the same respect and accord they had given her, and made it clear that they all shared his hope that she would awaken to take command again someday soon. It was enough to put a huge smile on his face. The crew understood him.

He stood by the warp core as B'Elanna poured him a glass from the bottle of champagne they had just popped open to celebrate. Now was as good a time as any to imbibe...just a bit though. He would need his wits about him tonight while he faced his demons and finally moved back into his quarters. He savored the tart taste of the cold liquid as it tingled on his tongue and tickled his throat. How long had it been since he'd last indulged in alcohol? Quite awhile...not since his wedding toast.

Seven had never been one to be able to hold her liquor, and their wedding night had been a nightmare as a result. She'd refused the doctor's treatments and said that she'd read an old Earth novel citing that it was best to be intoxicated on one's wedding night in order to dull the pain. There was no reasoning with her. Kathryn had left the celebration early, and it seemed ludicrous to ask her to intervene in such a ridiculous situation. Chakotay ended up taking Seven to bed early. He had wanted to just sleep the night away and make love to her during their honeymoon on a nearby planet where the crew intended to take shore leave. Deflowering a drunk was not what he had intended at all, but she had been insisted on sex citing it as an old Earth tradition to "copulate" in order to consummate the marriage. He hadn't counted on Borg strength and eagerness. She was a lot stronger than she looked. Probably why she had been able to hold her own during all those Tsunkatse matches. It was a night he desperately wanted to forget, and he had successfully blocked out most of it. All their subsequent sexual encounters had been instigated by her, and they were enjoyable enough, but nothing to write home about.

He sighed as he took another sip of his drink, and wondered about what he had missed out on by skipping all those dinners with Kathryn in favor of being with Seven.

He and Kathryn had made it a habit to sample a varied array of alien liquors over their many dinners. Just enough to get a pleasant buzz...they never fully lost their inhibitions, although it was always most enjoyable when they relaxed around each other. Tongues were loosened, and it was not unusual for them to melt into puddles of laughter over a private joke or to engage in the occasional round of verbal sparring.

_"So did you intend to bruise the key pad, Chakotay? Punching in commands with that much force wouldn't have gotten them done any faster."_

_He'd been particularly frantic when he took the conn after Paris had been called away to Sickbay. The aliens had been right on their tail, and the adrenaline was pumping. He had no idea she'd noted how he'd been pummeling the console._

_He chuckled as he explained himself. "I push with intent. The Val Jean had clunky controls and after years of pushing that hard, I guess I just got used to it. At least you can see that I'm sure of my steering. You, on the other hand, look like you have no idea what button does what whenever I see you at a console."_

_"I like to reflect on what a button does before I push it..."_

_"Is that your personal philosophy concerning key pads, Kathryn?"_

_"Everyone pushes buttons differently," she shrugged. "You have your way. I have mine."_

_They were seated on her couch, and she leaned into him and breathed her next few words just inches from his face. "Sometimes a subtle push is more than enough to push a system to its limits. Too hard and you just might break a particularly delicate set of controls..."_

_She then backed off, and laughed at the dazed expression on his face. "But no one could ever break controls on my ship with a mere push. Set them on fire or blow them up in the midst of battle...it's the only way. Intense combustion coupled with force..."_

_Despite the fact that he was mildly intoxicated, he knew she wasn't talking about Voyager anymore._

"Penny for your thoughts?" asked B'Elanna as he snapped out of his reverie.

"What?"

"One of Tom's twentieth century sayings. Care to tell me what's on your mind?"

He turned his gaze from the entrancing blue glow of the warp core and looked her in the eye. "Just reminiscing about the last time I enjoyed a glass of champagne."

"Your wedding?"

He chuckled. "Hell no. That wedding was what made me temporarily quit drinking. Bride was falling all over herself and the groom...well, he got to give his favorite spitfire a whirl on the dance floor. Then she left, and his new wife decided to empty her stomach's contents for everyone to see. And I've purged the wedding night from my memory."

She laughed as she remembered that day, too. "That was quite the mess, wasn't it? Everyone was drunk as heck trying to act festive. The crew never did really approve. Majority of the guys were jealous that the old man got the hot young thing and the girls...well, some of them harbored crushes they'd kept at bay knowing you practically had 'Property of Kathryn Janeway' stamped on your forehead-"

She paused. "I'm sorry. Touchy subject. I shouldn't have-"

He cut her off and smiled. "It's ok. Kind of comforting that the crew would think I was hers. So, you were asking?"

"Last time you enjoyed a glass of champagne?"

"Ah right... one of my dinners with Kathryn. We were both a bit tipsy, and I think she flirted with me. It left me in quite a state of shock. She hardly ever flirted with me anymore. That was right before I started dating Seven. Shows just how stupid I was, doesn't it? She'd just made a move on me, and I still went for Seven."

"You were confused," said B'Elanna as she gave him a pat on the back. "It could have been just the alcohol talking."

"In vino veritas."

"Ok, you lost me."

"Famous Latin saying. In wine there is truth...I should have taken that as my cue."

She sighed. "Oh, come on. Do you think she'd want you to have a pity party over that? You were smiling just a little while ago. Why don't you go mingle a bit more?"

His face had hardened into that morose expression again. "I think I'll retire now. Early shift."

"The ready room, again?"

"No...Seven's memory has kept me out of my quarters long enough. I'm moving back in and kicking all traces of her out."

She chortled. "Congratulations, I guess."

"On what?"

She looked thoughtful for a second. "Consummating your divorce. Tom and I can lend you a hand tomorrow. Recycle your old mattress and everything."

He eyed her curiously. "How did you know I wanted to get rid of my mattress?"

"Oh, come on. You just said you purged your wedding night from your memory. I assume you did the deed there. So you're going to be hitting the couch until then?"

He nodded. "My couch is a lot comfier than the one in the ready room."

"As long as you don't break your back, that's fine by me. See you in the morning."

She gave him a hug before he departed for the turbolift. Taking a deep breath, he told the computer where he wanted to go.

"Deck three."

He walked down the hall to his quarters and paused as he passed by Kathryn's quarters. Nobody had been in there since her accident. Did he dare punch in his code and go in? His hand lingered on the cold metal doors as he wondered what lay inside. No, going in would be too painful. He could already imagine what it would be like stepping in there and seeing everything like it had been frozen in time since the last time he'd personally dropped off a report.

_"Here, Captain," he said in a dead tone as he handed her the PADD. They hadn't spoken off-duty in ages. He couldn't remember the last time he'd called her by her first name._

_"Thank you, Commander," she replied in a tone that mirrored his exactly._

_He stood frozen for awhile as she began to read the PADD. She looked haggard...that was the only way to describe it. Her vibrant blue eyes had lost some of their light and bore enormous black circles beneath them. She was constantly pinching the bridge of her nose. Her hair wasn't as well-combed as usual, although one couldn't call it unkempt. Kathryn Janeway always tried to look her best, even under pressure. Still, without him scolding her about relaxing, she worked herself to death. As he handled the shore leave schedules, he knew she hadn't taken any vacation time in almost a year. Even the doctor couldn't force her._

_She looked up and was mildly surprised to see that he was still there._

_"Anything else, Commander?" she asked in a voice that tried to be stern but gave away a hint of confusion._

_"No...nothing."_

_He left her quarters wanting desperately to give himself a beating. There was so much left unsaid._

_"I love you, and I'm leaving Seven. Forgive me."_

_The words he'd wanted her to hear now echoed in his head, begging to be spoken. He rushed to the holodeck for another boxing match with the safety protocols off. Anything to drain the pain that now reverberated through his veins with every heartbeat..._

He let his hand slide down the cold metal doors before walking towards his own quarters next door. He took a deep breath before punching in his code. During his other visits, he had just rushed straight to the sonic shower for a quick cleaning before replicating a new uniform and going on-duty. He had never let himself take in his surroundings. Too painful...but now, it was time.

He told the computer to set the lights at seventy five percent illumination. He gave the room a thorough looking over. Everything was disgustingly neat and tidy. Seven would have nothing short of complete order. He made his way to the closet he'd shared with her. Nothing much to be removed there. She regularly recycled her catsuits and replicated new ones. Her wedding dress - a testament to their mistake -sat on the closet floor, in a small trunk in which also lay her various casual clothes. He took those before he closed the closet. He couldn't recycle the wedding dress, but the rest would have to go. That dress was the one article of clothing that would stay as a constant reminder of everything that had gone wrong.

He made his way to the recycler and disposed of each article of clothing. The red dress she'd worn the first time he'd ended up making out with her, the nightgowns she donned whenever instigating a sexual encounter, lingerie... it was all gone in a few minutes time.

"Goodbye for good, Seven," he thought to himself.

He made his way to their bedside table where her wedding band lay, and remembered her refusal to wear it regularly.

_"I will wear it off-duty," she said as she did her best to smile for him despite her annoyance at his insistence. "Please understand that I do not wish to have it be tarnished or harmed by my work."_

And so her ring was as perfect as it was the first time he'd slipped it on her left ring finger. Not a single dent or scratch...proof that their marriage was a sham. Shouldn't wedding bands reflect everything a couple had gone through? Wear and tear lent humanity to the circle of metal. He knew his had been rather beat up. He couldn't remember what state it had been in the last time he'd seen it. He'd plunked it into the nearest recycler after divorcing Seven.

He took Seven's wedding band and gave it the same treatment as her clothing. Well, this was refreshing. He looked over their-- no, _his_ quarters and knew that when he got his new mattress, he would find some tiny semblance of peace. Seven hadn't really owned much. Those clothes and that wedding band were it. She hadn't even added anything, save herannoying neatness, to the decor. Sighing, he stripped down to his boxers and consigned himself to the couch. Sleep quickly claimed him, and he awoke refreshed and ready to face a new day.

Upon completing his morning rituals, he made his way to the bridge. A sense of foreboding filled him as he took his seat in the captain's chair. The last month had been good by everyone's standards: Kathryn's treatment had progressed, no hostile alien attacks, the enhanced warp drive was working at optimal efficiency... why did he suddenly feel like the calm before the storm was now over?

"We're being hailed," said Harry. "A vessel off the port bow. It's the Akial."

"Open a channel."

"Return our chrono deflector!" hissed the image of the reptilian alien on the view screen as his forked tongue darted out threateningly. "We have many outposts in this quadrant and we will not hesitate to destroy your ship. We have been notified by the home world of your crime."

"Crime?" replied Chakotay. "We offered your people our medical services and technology in exchange for dilithium and deuterium. We didn't take your chrono deflector."

The alien continued to hiss and refused to listen. "Return it at once and all will be forgiven. You were not supposed to take our technology!"

"I assure you that we received no chrono deflector from your people. Maybe we can talk-"

"The time for talk is over," he spit now as he hissed and his fangs became visible. "It is on your ship, and if we cannot have it, we will destroy it. Your species will not use our own technology against us."

The comm link was terminated.

"Red alert!" he barked, knowing an attack was imminent.

"They are charging weapons," said Tuvok in his usual cool tone. "Eight seconds to impact."

"Evasive maneuvers!"

Tom's fingers expertly danced over the conn. Years of experience had taught him that the ship was a delicate instrument to be played with utmost concentration in order to produce optimal results. He powered down the starboard nacelle while simultaneously powering down the port one. He grinned smugly to himself as the ship did his bidding and banked sharply. Helm control was truly an art of grace under pressure.

Chakotay continued barking out orders, hoping to avoid major damage in case a hit was unavoidable. "Shields to full. Secure primary systems. All hands, brace for-"

The blast that reverberated through the ship cut him off as he hit his head on the railing before clattering to the floor. He caught a glimpse of Paris turning from the conn.

"Captain!"

His burdensome rank was the last thing he heard as his eyes shut, and he lost consciousness.

When he finally opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was the EMH staring down at him. He tried to get up, but the pain prevented him from moving.

"The Akial...chrono deflector..."

"Lie down," said the doctor as he pushed Chakotay back on the table. "You took quite the spill on the bridge."

"Where are we?"

"The Mess Hall."

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"Around thirty-six hours. Most of the crew is already up and about restoring the ship."

"Casualties?"

"A few broken arms and legs. A concussion here and there...a few were critically injured but nothing I couldn't handle."

"Then why aren't we in Sickbay? It doesn't sound like you'd have a lot of patients," Chakotay said, as he eyed the nearly empty, darkened Mess Hall. There were only a handful of injured crewmen with him.

The doctor was silent for a second and wondered if he should answer. "Lieutenant Paris managed to safely get us past Akial space, thanks to the new enhanced warp drive. They didn't pursue. Couldn't keep up with us. They managed to deal quite a bit of damage though. There was a power overload in Sickbay. The overload spread to the rest of deck five, and we had to evacuate before the hull breached-"

"Did you get Kathryn? Where is she?" he yelped in alarm as he attempted to sit up again only to be overcome by pain. "Did she-"

"Calm down, Captain!" the doctor said as he forced the distressed man back down on the table. "I managed to get her out of there but I don't know how long she'll be able to keep her biological functions going without the nanoprobe therapy or the medical equipment. She's been absorbing nutrients via hypospray without ill effects so we can only hope for the best and assume she's out of immediate danger."

"Where is she?" asked Chakotay again.

The doctor gave an exasperated sigh. "Right beside you. I assumed that was where she'd want to be. Where you'd want her to be..."

Chakotay turned his head to the side. She was there, lying on the table beside him and looking completely at peace despite the turmoil that had ensued. Tears welled up in his eyes.

"T-thank you, doctor," he stuttered. "I-I'm s-so-"

"No need for apologies that aren't due," said the EMH as he gave the captain a well-meaning smile. "My recent hostility toward you makes us even. And try to relax, Captain...there is some good news. The hull breach was averted. Engineering teams are down there right now, and there's a nearby M-Class planet where we can make repairs and resupply. Ensign Kim took command while you were down. We'll get through this, Captain...but right now, I think it would be best for me to sedate you until your injuries are fully healed. Would that be fine with you?"

"Wait," he said, raising a hand to halt him. "Ensign Kim? What happened to Commander Tuvok and Lieutenant Paris?"

"Lieutenant Paris was busy at the conn then rushed down here to help me with the casualties. Commander Tuvok was mentally incapacitated by the attack, but he's fine now. It appeared that something other than the attack helped to instigate it, but he'd rather keep that reason private. He's in his quarters meditating. Vulcans...such difficult patients."

The EMH rolled his eyes as he finished the statement.

"I see. How soon before I can return to duty?"

"After you've healed. A week at most. Now, are you ready to be sedated?"

Satisfied with the answers he'd been provided with, Chakotay nodded. He carefully turned to his side and reached across to the other table and grasped Kathryn's hand. The last thing he felt was the sensation of her delicate fingers entwining with his as he surrendered to the oblivion imparted by the cold hiss of the hypospray against his neck. Still, even as he tumbled into sleep, the Akial attack persisted in his head. What was a chrono deflector, and why did they think Voyager had it? Perhaps the next time he awakened, those questions would be answered too. For now, he surrendered to the comfort the waking world could never give him.

He regained consciousness in his quarters. The mattress was a lot softer than he remembered. B'Elanna had probably been true to her word and replicated him a new one. He only hoped she hadn't wasted her personal rations on this gesture of good will. He rushed to the bathroom to wash his mouth out. After taking a quick sonic shower and pulling on a nice pair of boxers, he eyed his chronometer for the time and inquired about the stardate. It was 1800 and it had been approximately fifty-seven hours since he'd been struck down on the bridge. Twenty-one hours since the doctor had sedated him. He looked for his combadge and found it on his bedside table.

"Chakotay to the doctor."

"Doctor here. What is it, Captain?"

"Am I fit for my shift tomorrow?"

"Come down to Sickbay for an evaluation."

"Sickbay's been restored?"

"As good as new..."

"And Kathryn?"

The doctor was silent for a second. "We need to discuss Captain Janeway's condition, too. I'm afraid our encounter with the Akial had a rather unexpected effect on her."

Chakotay felt his heart begin to pound. "I'll be right there."

He hurriedly put on a uniform and pinned on his pips. He practically ran to the turbolift and rushed in, much to the surprise of Lieutenant Ayala who was already inside.

"Deck five," he said, with a hint of desperation of his voice.

"Something wrong with Captain Janeway?" asked Ayala, knowing that was the only plausible reason for Chakotay being so eager to get to deck five.

"The doctor said there might be," he replied, his voice carrying the most subtle hint of the internal anguish he was so desperately trying to suppress.

"I hope it's nothing serious," said Ayala, not knowing how else to respond to his old Maquis comrade's apparent distress. "If it makes you feel any better, Seven hasn't been causing any trouble down in the brig."

"Thanks," he said as the doors hissed open. "Wait, weren't you reassigned to the command division? You haven't been in security for four years."

He'd finally noticed that Ayala had traded in the red command uniform and gone back to the golden one meant for tactical, engineering, and security officers.

As Chakotay exited, Ayala responded. "Went back to security. You're a great captain, but it's not the same without her around. Hope she's all right."

As the turbolift hissed closed, Ayala heard Chakotay's almost imperceptible, "me too."

Chakotay dashed to Sickbay, and the EMH met him just as he walked through the doors.

"How is she?"

A familiar female voice answered his question. "Pissed as hell. My head wants to split open, and nanoprobes are using my bloodstream as a swimming pool. I haven't had coffee in God knows how long, and I haven't eaten anything but nutrients via hypospray. Good morning, Captain Chakotay."

"Kathryn?"

"Who else? I trust you've been taking care of- ohh...ow...my head..."

"Doctor?"

The EMH sighed and brought a hypospray to her neck to quell her headache. "I'll let you two talk. Computer, deactivate EMH."

The doctor disappeared, leaving them alone with each other.

He practically launched himself forward to embrace her but she raised her arms up in a gesture of mock defense. "Easy," she said with a chortle. "I'm not exactly well."

"Kathryn, I love you. I've divorced Seven. Marry me. I'm going to get us home. The enhanced warp drive-"

"I'm dead," she cut him off.

"What? I can see you. You're here. You're awake!"

"No, I'm not. I'm dead, and I've come to say goodbye. Right now, you're lying on a biobed in a Sickbay that's usable, but still in ruins. You were sedated in the Mess Hall. You were holding my hand. None of this is real. It's time to let me go..."

A loud beep rang out throughout Sickbay as Kathryn suddenly began to fade away.

"NO!" he cried, as he desperately tried to reach out and hold her. "Is there any way I can be with you? Any way at all? I'll do anything!"

The beep grew louder as she smiled. She continued to fade away even as he tried to hold her. It was like trying to embrace the wind. She was in his arms, and yet she wasn't. She whispered in his ear. "If it counts for anything, I love you too, and I would have gladly married you if I'd woken up. Heck, I might have even served as your first officer. I did give you captaincy after all."

The beep was deafening now.

Her lips then met his for a second kiss goodbye. He didn't feel it at all, just knew that her lips had touched his before she disappeared for good.

He awoke in Sickbay, screaming and sobbing, to the sounds of the doctor frantically trying to revive Kathryn as the loud, haunting beep issuing from the machine that monitored her brain activity became too loud to bear.

* * *

Yes, that was a mean thing to do, wasn't it? (evil laughter) Come on, I gave you a lot of hints. Sickbay being perfectly fixed after an attack of that magnitude, Ayala switching back to security... don't tell me you didn't catch those? (more evil laughter) Time to do part three. (stares at 7,000 words of part three, written so far) Yeah, this is going to be more then three parts now. (sighs in dismay)


	3. Part 3

**Disclaimer:** ST: VOY is not mine.

**Author's Note: **FFN gave me hell uploading this. :( I was horrified when I finished this chapter and tried to put it up. The Document Manager kept telling me I was uploading an empty file. Empty file?! You call this an effing empty file?! (ceases rant) I managed to work my way around it. Converted my MS Word file to HTML. Took hours until I came up with that solution...why must technology torture me?

Wonder if I can cram the ending in here. Apparently not. (starts on Part 4) By the way, part 4 is far from done. I usually release my chapters when the one to follow it is done and being betaed. Not this time. Ending this is going to be harder than I thought. That, and I'm going in for surgery tomorrow. Nose job... don't ask. I thought I'd release this, and give you something to chew on while I recover. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do much writing while I recuperate. Let's hope I can...

**Acknowledgment: **My dear quantumsilver, thanks for the beta help. More huggles for you and your ferrets! My leek army and plot bunnies extend their thanks as well. :)

**Inevitable****  
****By mistress amethyst une**

**Part 3**

It was selfish and he knew it, but he could not just stand by as Kathryn slipped away from him a second time. All his life he had served for the good of others. He had accepted captaincy of Voyager, and done his duty as she wanted. Been quite adept and capable in command, actually. He'd been strong enough to crucify himself on a daily basis; all because he could cling to the hope that she would one day awaken. And now all that hope had been extinguished...or had it?

"_I have something to show you," said B'Elanna, leading him from the darkness of his quarters, where he had kept himself holed up since Kathryn's second death. He hadn't attended the funeral service. It would have made things all too real._

He activated the chrono deflector, and marveled at the beauty of the temporal rift that would lead him back to her. No wonder the Akial had wanted it back so badly. In the wrong hands, who knew what damage it could cause?

"_I know she wouldn't have wanted this," B'Elanna said, as she took him to the shuttle bay. "But I thought you deserved the choice. You've sacrificed so much for us after all…"_

He entered the rift and braced himself for the heavy turbulence. He knew that under normal circumstances, he would be dead by now. The tachyon radiation must have been off the charts. His eyes shut involuntarily as the anomaly drew him in.

"_There's a way you can save her," she told him as she handed him a hypospray. "But you'll end up dying in the process…"_

_He was stunned, to say the very least. He had no idea what to say. A way to save Kathryn? He was more surprised than scared by the knowledge that the means to that end would kill him._

He opened his eyes to a particularly bright region of space. He had arrived.

"_However, if you succeed, some of the horrible things we've faced would never have happened…"_

Voyager loomed close.

"_The time and place is up to you," she told him, as she struggled with the lump in her throat. "The Akial were right. We did have their chrono deflector, but it was all a misunderstanding. It was probably given to us by mistake. This damn scrap of junk took her away from you, but it can also bring her back…"_

"_What?"_

"_Time travel. The chrono deflector can open a temporal rift."_

They were hailing him.

"_B'Elanna, I don't understand. What's this hypospray for then?"_

"_Chronexaline."_

"_What?"_

"_The doctor's pet project. Don't inoculate yourself with the drug until you're sure you want to do this. The moment that hits your bloodstream, the clock starts ticking. You'll have one month. That'll protect you from the radiation from the rift, but it'll ultimately kill you in the end. It's toxic. Doc was actually going to scrap the project. I talked him out of it. Had him synthesize a few samples...stole that one, actually."_

He opened a channel.

"_Sit in the shuttle. Get a feel for it before you decide. Come to me if you're sure you want to go."_

"_Wait," he said, stopping her from leaving. He took his seat and weighed the gravity of his decision. "Who'll take command if I go? What about the crew?"_

"_Harry's been in command since you cut yourself off from us. Tom has a lot to deal with, and Tuvok hasn't shown his face in ages. The doctor says Tuvok's losing his mind. He finally admitted to us that the only cure is for him to mind meld with a family member. Maybe you can save him, too. I've left a copy of our enhanced warp drive schematics in the shuttle's data banks. If you decide to go, hand them over to my past self. She'll recognize them, and hopefully, use the improvements I've made to get us home sooner."_

_"What about the Temporal Prime Directive?"_

_She laughed. "Quoting Starfleet protocol now, are you? Thought you still had enough Maquis in you to throw that out the window. If you decide not to go, that had better not be your reason. I know you, Chakotay. You'll think this through carefully and make a decision that won't pollute the timeline too much. As much as we don't want to lose you, I know it would be unfair not to show you any possible way you could bring her back."_

And there Kathryn stood. No one beside her on the bridge since his past self had opted for shore leave with Seven. It was one month before the wedding that would prove to be his biggest mistake.

_"Are you sure about that stardate?" she asked him when he finally came to her with his decision. "One month before marrying Seven? Aren't you cutting it a bit close? Sorry to question your choice but why not earlier? What about that Borg nebula-"_

_"Kathryn made herself clear. We weren't supposed to go anywhere near that thing."_

_"But what if there's a wormhole in there? A quicker way home?"_

_"Let's not get greedy. With the enhanced warp drive being put into action earlier, we'll be quite close to home by this time. Why take an unnecessary risk? Besides, if we went earlier, we'd be canceling out a lot of first contacts. A lot of species might suffer without our help. This was the best time I could think of to intervene. The first contacts after this were mostly with hostile species or for re-supplying. Not too big a change in the timeline..."_

_She sighed. "Good point...but still...won't it be difficult to break you and Seven up this close to the wedding?"_

_"No...I know myself. This was the time I got cold feet. Wanted to bail out... Seven and I even fought while on shore leave. All I have to do now is make sure Kathryn doesn't do the stupid, noble thing."_

_"Huh?"_

_"Seven and I temporarily broke off our engagement," he laughed bitterly. "Kathryn convinced me to reconcile with Seven. Didn't want me to throw away something that could possibly make me happy..."_

_B'Elanna gaped at him. "How could I not know about this?"_

_"Seven wasn't exactly announcing to the whole ship that she dumped me. I was going to tell the crew sooner or later. Kathryn found out somehow and fixed Seven and me back up before we could officially announce the break-up."_

"Chakotay?" gasped Kathryn.

"I've come to hasten the journey home," he told her as he desperately tried to remain calm. It was wonderful to hear her voice again, to see her face, to look her in the eye. He resisted the urge to reach out and touch her image on the view screen.

"The temporal rift? What were you doing in there? I thought you were-"

"Later. Could you recalibrate your deflector to emit an anti-tachyon pulse? The rift needs to be sealed."

She seemed reluctant but issued the order. When the rift was sealed, she turned her attention back to him.

"I've done what you asked, Commander. Explain yourself."

"It's Captain, actually," he said. Her eyes widened upon noticing his rank insignia.

"How-"

"Permission to come aboard?"

She paused for a second before replying. "Granted."

She met him in the shuttle bay, hand on hips, and with that wary look in her eyes. She had a full compliment of armed security officers behind her. It was all he could do not to rush toward her, scoop her up in his arms, and declare his undying love for her. She was disturbed enough as it was, and he hardly wanted to be shot. An easy smile crossed her lips...the diplomatic one she used to disarm visiting alien guests.

"So, did you mutiny against me in your timeline?"

"And here I was thinking you wouldn't want to hear a thing about the future. Temporal Prime Directive?"

"Can't get anything past you, can I? Welcome aboard. I'm afraid your counterpart in this timeline is on shore leave."

"What's the time?"

"1700."

"He'll be back in a couple of hours, and he won't be with his new fiancée. I suggest you invite him to dinner. My reasons for coming here need to be discussed with both of you. I-"

"Easy...we need to confirm your identity first. Know the way to Sickbay?"

"My first test?" he asked knowing that, despite her welcoming manner, she was still taking precautions against him. "Of course."

"Lead the way."

He returned her easy smile as he led her and the security team to the turbolift. Looking her in the eye, he told the computer where he wished to go.

"Deck five," he said with a slight smile. "Do I pass, Kathryn?"

"I wasn't aware we were on a first name basis."

"We are. Were...it's complicated. I assume you're on a first name basis with my counterpart."

"Of course."

"Then why not with me?"

"I'm not sure you're him." She paused. "Yet."

She said this just as the turbolift doors hissed open. She ordered the security team to remain outside Sickbay. She and Captain Chakotay entered together. The EMH greeted them, and Kathryn got straight to the point about having Captain Chakotay examined. The doctor was taken aback, but could only give a flustered sigh. He escorted Captain Chakotay to a biobed. Kathryn watched intently as the doctor worked on their visitor from the temporal rift. Aside from irritation, the EMH showed little emotion as he scanned Chakotay.

"He is who he says he is," said the doctor, his tone betraying mild annoyance. "Commander, or rather, Captain Chakotay, roughly two and a half years from now. He's identical in every way to the Commander Chakotay we have onboard. There's only the small age difference. That, and this one hasn't been taking care of himself. His back is mildly sprained, and he hasn't been eating well. Sleep-deprived, too. He's practically you, Captain. Well, except for all these boxing injuries...this one hasn't learned to turn on the safety protocols for his holodeck programs, either."

Kathryn ignored the doctor's jab at her. "Anything else? Could he possibly be a clone? Artificially aged? Species 8472 can mimic the human physiology very well."

"He's right here, you know," interjected Chakotay. "No need to talk about me like I'm not in the room."

The two of them continued talking about him like he wasn't there, much to his dismay.

"No," said the doctor. "The scans show nothing to indicate that he's any of those things. I did find a strange chemical in his bloodstream though. Looks toxic..."

"What is it?" she asked, finally turning to Chakotay.

"And now, you realize I'm here," he growled in frustration. "My clock's ticking. That drug is chronexaline. It protected me from the tachyon radiation in the temporal rift. It's horribly flawed though. Turns toxic in living systems. I'll be dead within the month. The doctor invented it-"

"Absurd! I would never create something to kill a patient!" interrupted the EMH angrily.

"Calm down," said Chakotay. "You didn't give it to me. You were going to scrap the whole project actually. B'Elanna stole a sample from you."

"Why?" asked Kathryn. "Why have you returned to this time? Why would B'Elanna give you something that would kill you?"

He threw her a bitter smile. "Because I was unhappy, and I needed to make things right. Stop playing the saint, Kathryn."

Her eyes widened. "You have a lot of explaining to do. In my ready room, now."

He laughed. "You have no idea how I've missed hearing you say that."

He practically leapt from the biobed and followed her out of Sickbay. He took note of her dismissing the security team. Well, at least she seemed to be beginning to trust him.

They made their way to the turbolift and she gave the order to go to deck one. It was good to know that they were going to her ready room. Not his...hers. Her captaincy, her ship...it was all so wonderful. Such a pity that he wouldn't be around to enjoy the fruit of his labors. No, this would all be for his past self to enjoy. His foolish past self who was on shore leave with Seven, and hadn't even bothered to inquire about Kathryn's well-being. His foolish past self who was having a fight with Seven on the planet's surface right now.

He remembered it so well. Seven was still reasonable back then. She'd realized they didn't exactly suit each other. She had wanted to break off the engagement, and he'd pleaded with her to think it over.

_"I have thought it over," she said. "I'm changing, Chakotay. The removal of the fail-safe has opened me up to so many new emotions. I'm not sure I can handle both these new feelings and my relationship with you. Besides, there is another issue I wish to discuss. It is only now that I have observed this...how can you not realize we are hurting her?"_

_"Her?"_

_"The captain."_

_"What does she have to do with anything?"_

_Seven slapped him. "You are a fool."_

He almost laughed at the memory. Seven had used the exact same line when he had divorced her. In an entirely different context. The first time around, she'd been trying to point him back to Kathryn, put him back on the right track. The second time...well, he had to admit that Seven's mental health had degraded when her fail-safe had been removed. Her concern for Kathryn eventually turned into envy. He'd put her under intense emotional stress. He'd convinced her he loved her, lied to her and himself about his feelings about Kathryn. By the time he realized his self-deception, it was too late. Seven had grown utterly enamored with him, and not in a good way. It bordered on obsessive. Like a teenager's crush gone wrong. She was so confused. He'd told her he loved her, right? She couldn't understand his affection for Kathryn. Actually, neither could he. Looking back, he shouldn't have been so harsh with her. He'd been a jerk. He'd turned Seven into the monster that killed Kathryn.

"Captain?" asked Kathryn. "Do you have any intention of leaving the turbolift?"

He quickly snapped back into reality. "Right."

He stepped out of the turbolift and followed her into her ready room.

The first thing she did was motion for him to sit on the couch as she rushed to her replicator for coffee. Just like old times...

She sat next to him, cradling her mug and taking a sip. "So what brings you back here, Captain?"

He smiled. "You."

She choked on her coffee. He laughed.

"Don't make fun of me. It's a miracle Braxton isn't on your tail."

"I was very careful in considering which stardate to return to. The change to the timeline should be minimal. As far as I know, nothing in the Alpha Quadrant will be affected."

"You've made it back to the Alpha Quadrant? Is that why you were promoted?"

"It's complicated. Have you checked the data banks in my shuttle?"

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not. The shuttle contains the data for the enhanced warp drive schematics. I told you. I'm here to hasten the journey home."

She glared at him before activating her combadge. "Janeway to Torres. Check the data from Captain Chakotay's shuttle."

B'Elanna's voice betrayed confusion. "Captain?"

"Our visitor from the future...I'm sure you've heard. I did request that all senior staff be notified."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll get right to it."

"And use the minimum number of engineers for this. The crew isn't to know where all this technology came from. At least-- not just yet."

"Understood."

"Good. Janeway, out."

She turned her attention back to him. "Now that we've got that out of the way, would you care to explain your promotion? We get home in two years time? Why-"

"One question at a time."

"Your promotion, then?"

"I'd rather dodge that one."

She threw him her trademark death glare.

He did his best to smile. "Let's just say you promoted me."

She arched an eyebrow at him. "You mean Starfleet had me give you your captaincy in a ceremony? Well, if you've been promoted, I assume all the Maquis crew members have been pardoned. Did I get promoted?"

"Not exactly."

"They demoted me to commander for all of my rule-bending?"

"What happened to the Temporal Prime Directive?"

"Screw it."

"What?"

She laughed. "Starfleet protocol hasn't been doing me much good lately. I'd like to hear if I was rewarded for being a by-the-book bitch. If not, I'd really love to throw the rule book out the window."

He was shocked at her. "Kathryn?"

"What? Oh, of course. You wouldn't know about how jaded I've been of late. Too busy with your fiancée."

She set her coffee mug down on the table. She'd barely sipped from it. His eyes were wide with confusion.

She grinned at him. "But let's not get off-track...I'm the one doing the interrogating here. The Alpha Quadrant?"

He sighed. "You won't let me dodge this one either?"

"No."

"In the future I'm from, Voyager hasn't reached the Alpha Quadrant yet. We're well on our way though. When I left, we had about a year and ten months left in the journey."

"Let me get this straight. In about two years time, we'll be a year and ten months from home. How does that work, exactly?"

"I told you. My shuttle's data banks...enhanced warp drive schematics. Your B'Elanna should recognize them as her little pet project with Joe, plus a few improvements from her future self. She can get it up and running within a month. You'll be home in three years."

"Three?"

"That's what the B'Elanna in my timeline estimated. When we first installed it, in my timeline, we had two years between us and home. Of course, that would be at optimal efficiency, with minimal stops. Knowing you, the journey will take four years. You'll want to go investigate every anomaly in sight. Still, it's good enough. Just keep out of trouble."

"Excuse me?"

He sighed and lay back on the couch.

She glared at him again. "You still haven't told me why you came back."

"I did. I came back for you. Figure it out."

She looked at him curiously before her eyes widened in horror. "You're still on your way home... well on your way home."

She paused, and he saw the twinge of annoyance on her face, just before her temper flared. "And you threw that away? You idiot! What happened to me? I handed you my captaincy, didn't I? I'm incapacitated? Dead? Why the hell did you poison yourself to come back here and save me?"

"Just the reaction I was expecting..."

"Answer me!"

Without even pausing to think, he grabbed her and crushed his lips against hers. She pushed him away and slapped him.

"What do you think you're doing?" she gasped. That kiss had knocked the breath out of her.

"Kissing you," he replied. "Crossing the line, breaking protocol, proclaiming my love for the woman I should have married...call it what you will."

She slapped him again. "You're married!"

He was reeling from whiplash now.

"Was married," he said, his demeanor turning dark. "I divorced Seven. She's in the brig, in my timeline. She was the reason you died. When I married her, I put in motion the events leading up to your death."

"Seven killed me?"

"Not exactly."

"Then what?"

"She disobeyed orders. We went to retrieve her together. You got shot and..."

He couldn't bring himself to say the words as he struggled with the lump forming in his throat.

"I held you as you slipped away. The shuttle couldn't get to us in time. You gave me your pips, and told me to be captain. Asked me to kiss you goodbye...you died as I kissed you."

With those words, he broke down in sobs. She felt her anger dissolve. She edged closer to him, and rested a comforting hand on his chest.

"That's how I died?" she asked, trying desperately to keep her tone even.

"The first time you died," he managed to choke out. "We managed to restore your brain activity, kept you in stasis, used Icheb's nanoprobes for therapy. You were recovering so well...we even managed to take you out of stasis. But..."

"But?"

"The Akial attacked Voyager."

"The Akial?"

"A species you'll meet in a few months' time. Give them your aid but do not, under any circumstances, accept the chrono deflector from them. The Kathryn in my timeline made that mistake. Kept it a secret from me...I had to find out from B'Elanna."

"So what happened?"

"Apparently, a rogue faction didn't believe their government should be sharing technology with us. They attacked us to get it back. Said we'd committed a crime against them. You never told me about it, so I wasn't able to return it to them. There was a power overload in Sickbay. The doctor managed to save you, but you didn't survive long, not without the medical equipment for your nanoprobe therapy. I refused to attend the funeral. I wasn't about to let myself see you dead...again."

"You lost me twice."

"Thrice. B'Elanna told me about the dinners. How I was brushing you off and breaking your heart...I lost you the moment I started my relationship with Seven. I'm tired of having you slip away from me."

She was blushing. "So you know exactly how I feel about you." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes. And I've been a fool. Don't let him make the same mistake. I beg you, don't play the martyr. Don't try to repair my relationship with Seven. I chose this stardate for a reason. This was the day Seven and I decided to break off our engagement..."

"And I forced you back into her arms, didn't I?"

"Performed the marriage ceremony yourself. A more emotionally masochistic woman, I'll never meet."

She seemed a bit disturbed by the knowledge, but conceded. "That does seem like me."

"I should have told you I loved you. Nipped this thing in the bud..."

"You just did."

"I did, but I'm not sure my counterpart will. He's probably really confused right now. Did you know that Seven and I were fighting about you? She told me I was hurting you, and she couldn't stand it. She told me I was using her as a substitute for you. Reasoned that it wouldn't work out between us because she was changing, because her fail-safe was gone. I should have listened to her warnings before she went off the deep end."

"What happened to Seven?"

His body shook with sobs as he spoke. "I destroyed her. Married her, then realized too late that I didn't love her the way a husband should. She was right when she warned me. She changed. The emotions overwhelmed her. Her concern for you turned into envy. She began to obsess over me. I ended up hating her, avoiding her. She did everything in her power to get my attention, and that led up to the stunt she pulled...the one that got you killed. I was so harsh with her. I was furious. After you died a second time, I kept myself confined to quarters. Thought night and day about what went wrong...I blamed her. And then I realized it wasn't her fault at all. It was mine. She warned me and I didn't listen. I loved her too...once. She was like a daughter to you. And I...oh, Kathryn..."

She held him as he cried. Just then, she heard the doors to her ready room hiss open.

"Captain-" said a familiar voice.

Captain Chakotay immediately met the gaze of his counterpart.

"Oh, hell," she said under her breath.

"Would you mind explaining?" the younger commander asked her.

"Well, you see-"

The older Chakotay had hastily wiped his tears on his sleeve, extracted himself from Kathryn's arms, and stood up in as dignified a way as he could. Well, that wasn't much. His eyes were red, and he'd rubbed his nose red from sniffling. He still emanated an air of authority though.

"I'm you," he stated point-blank. "Roughly two years from now. And I'm here to make sure you don't make the same mistakes I did."

"Captain?"

Her Chakotay had a look on his face that simply stated "what the hell?"

She stood up and gently nudged Captain Chakotay away from her first officer.

"Gentlemen," she said, keeping her tone diplomatic. "I suggest we discuss this over dinner."

The younger Chakotay did his best to give some semblance of calm. He turned to Kathryn. "Your quarters or mine?"

"Inedible or edible?" the older Chakotay interjected, earning him a glare from her.

"Mine then," said the younger Chakotay, with a sigh. "Pardon me, Captain and-"

He paused while he looked over his counterpart, before addressing him too, "Captain. I'll be in my quarters and hopefully all this will be explained. I've just returned from shore leave, and it didn't end well. I'm a bit out of the loop. I assume I'll be getting an explanation soon?"

"That you will, Commander. So what time?"

"1930 hours," said the two Chakotays in unison. She resisted the urge to laugh. This was amusing, but they were in a serious situation. The older Chakotay was dying...and he loved her. The question was, did the Chakotay in her timeline share his older self's feelings for her?

The younger Chakotay exited her ready room in silence. The older one shook his head in dismay. "It's begun. The engagement is off now. This has to happen right, Kathryn."

She stood beside him and rested a hand on his shoulder. It was very comforting.

"Is there any way to keep the poison from progressing in your system?"

He shook his head. "Our doctor worked on the chronexaline for months on end. He couldn't render it non-toxic. I have roughly a month left. That's if I'm lucky. It doesn't matter. I'm already dead. I died the day my Kathryn died."

He looked her in the eye and stroked her cheek. "I'm sorry I kissed you like that. I had no right. You're not my Kathryn. You're his."

"I'm neither yours or his. I'm Kathryn, and that's that."

She grabbed a fistful of his uniform jacket and pulled him down for a kiss. He was stunned, but welcomed her gesture of affection. When she released him, they exchanged smiles.

"Thank you," he said. "I needed that."

"Sit back down?" she asked. He nodded and they made their way back to the couch. He eyed her barely sipped coffee on the table.

"You haven't touched your coffee."

"Well, you distracted me."

She made her way toward him, and moved to tilt his chin for another kiss. He turned away.

"Twice was enough," he told her. "You need to stay detached from me. I'm not the one for you."

She looked disappointed but respected his wishes. "It's only fair I guess. I did keep you at arm's length all these years."

"What's the time?"

She asked the computer and it replied. "1920 hours."

"Ten minutes," he chuckled to himself. "He's probably replicating up a storm."

It was her turn to laugh. "I thought you always cooked from scratch."

"Sometimes time constraints forced me to cheat."

"And here I thought I could tell what was real from what was replicated."

"The conversation was always sufficiently distracting."

She guffawed. "True. It's a miracle we managed to eat anything with all the blabbering we were doing."

He put his arm around her and she leaned into him, letting her head rest on his shoulder.

"What happened to us?" she asked.

He found that he couldn't reply. Silence permeated the ready room. They welcomed it. It didn't last though. The quiet was quickly broken by the chirp of her combadge.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Dinner is served."

"We'll be right there."

She smiled at him again. Standing up, she offered him her arm. He graciously took it. They exited the ready room and walked the corridor...arm in arm. So happy and yet so very sad.

She teased him. "So, you know the way?"

"Still testing me?"

They entered the turbolift, and he told the computer where they wished to go. "Deck three."

"Correct, Captain," she laughed. "You know, it occurs to me. With two of you onboard, what are we going to call you to differentiate you from the other Chakotay?"

"Captain would be fine," he joked.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Then they'll have a hard time addressing you in my presence."

He shrugged. "Then when I'm around you, I'm the 'other captain.'"

The turbolift doors hissed open. "Suit yourself."

They made their way to his quarters, and she watched as he punched in his code.

"By all means, let yourself in," the younger Chakotay said in an irritated tone as they entered.

"Sorry," replied Captain Chakotay. "But these are my quarters, too."

"Not in this timeline. Please, let's get seated. I read a few reports while preparing dinner. Got all caught up. Enlighten me further?"

Commander Chakotay had prepared the usual vegetarian meal. They all got themselves settled, and he noted that Captain Chakotay didn't seem too eager to eat.

"Something the matter?" he asked his older self. "Did my dietary preferences change?"

"Glad to see you're eager to ignore the Temporal Prime Directive too," laughed Captain Chakotay. "Makes it so much easier to tell the two of you everything."

He was more than a little amused as he watched his younger self confusedly glance at Kathryn, who bore a knowing smile.

"So you've come to take us home?" asked Commander Chakotay.

"Speed up the journey. I'm sorry I can't poof you back to the Alpha Quadrant. My crew was well on its way when I left."

"Your crew?"

Kathryn kept her mouth shut and observed their conversation. This was going to be interesting. How would her Chakotay react to her death? To the fact that his marriage to Seven would kill her? Would the older Chakotay even bring that up in front of her? Or would he rather have a private discussion with his younger self?

"We'll dwell on that later. Right now, we have to focus on getting the enhanced warp drive running."

"Enhanced warp drive?"

"Is there an echo in this room? Yes, enhanced warp drive. Hard to believe I was ever you. I thought you said you read the reports."

"Apparently, I'm a grouch two and a half years from now. I've only managed to get the reports from Sickbay. There's only so much reading you can do in half an hour while preparing a meal for your future self."

"Noted," said Captain Chakotay, who was obviously a little peeved at being chastised, despite the good reason for it. "Anyway, I'd like to oversee the project with B'Elanna. Get the drive up and running as soon as possible before-"

He stopped himself, but his younger self interjected. "Before you kick the bucket. I read that report, too. So, you poisoned yourself to get here. Why?"

"Again, a discussion for later."

"Looks like we'll have a lot to discuss later. So how exactly do the captain and I factor into this little project?"

"You two are a different project entirely. But again-"

"Let me guess. Later?"

"You're quick on the uptake. Glad you understand. But basically, let me and B'Elanna take care of getting us home."

Kathryn finally spoke up. "You expect us to just sit around and do nothing, while you die trying to get us home?"

"I expect you two to stay in command, as always. Do your duties...and throw some protocol out the window."

When his younger self confusedly glanced at Kathryn again, she had that same knowing look. She knew exactly what protocol to throw out.

"I assume you'll go into detail about that later," said Kathryn. "For a man who has precious little time remaining, you sure are eager to procrastinate."

"There's a fine line between procrastination and waiting for the proper time. I made that mistake before. Waited too long...not this time. Actually, later happens to be now. Done eating, Kathryn? I'd like to talk to my younger self alone, if you wouldn't mind."

She glared at him. "Shooing me away, are you? Well, I'm quite done."

She rose to leave, but not before throwing Captain Chakotay a look. She then turned to the younger one. "I'm sorry we didn't get to discuss how your shore leave went. It would have been nice to talk casually. We haven't done that in ages."

Commander Chakotay gave her a look that oozed guilt. "We can talk over dinner tomorrow, if you'd like. 1900?"

She practically beamed. "I'd like that very much. 1900, then. For now, I'll leave you to talk to...yourself."

She exited, leaving the two Chakotays at the table together. The younger one had polished off his meal while the older one had barely touched his.

"Seven broke off your engagement today," stated Captain Chakotay.

"You sure do get to the point," replied his younger self. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Everything. That's why I came back."

"To make sure I get back together with Seven? I appreciate the thought, but we're done. I'm not-"

"Kathryn will die if you marry Seven."

"What?"

"In my timeline, this fight will be short-lived. Kathryn will step in and get you to reconcile with Seven. Perform the marriage ceremony herself...the marriage that will damn the three of you. Seven just got her fail-safe removed, didn't she?"

"Yes, but what does this have to do with Kathryn?"

Captain Chakotay went on. "Seven warned you today. She said that the lack of fail-safe was changing her. She was right. After a few months into your marriage, she won't be the woman you fell in love with anymore. And really... think about it. Why did you fall in love with her? Strong-willed, intelligent, beautiful...there was the bonus that she was young and ranks didn't separate you. She was an ego boost, wasn't she? She wanted you, unlike someone else...or so you think. Kathryn is in love with you."

Commander Chakotay was stunned. "You're wrong. She isn't. She gave me her blessing to pursue my relationship with Seven."

"Because she wanted you to be happy. I was you once. I expected her to stop me, to tell me it was wrong, to tell me I couldn't go loving another woman because she loved me. She never did. But she does. I realized that too late. I should have known her better. Known that she loved me too much to stop me from finding happiness, even if it was with someone else. And you were happy, weren't you? Seven made you feel needed while echoing traits you loved in Kathryn. True, she could never be Kathryn, but you took what you could get. Even found yourself really falling in love with her...then this happened."

"She just got her fail-safe removed. It's only natural for her to not be her usual self."

"She'll never be her usual self again. The new emotions will overwhelm her. She'll change, and you won't be able to cope. It'll be like being romantically involved with a raging teenager. She'll be a new person. That's not exactly a bad thing, but it'll definitely make you two ill-suited. I tried to make my marriage work, but later found that I couldn't stand her anymore. It just couldn't be. She'd changed too much, and her behavior bordered on obsessive."

His younger self paused for a second. "And what does this have to with Kathryn's death?"

Captain Chakotay took a deep breath in an effort to compose himself. "Seven wanted your attention, and you were ignoring her. Trying to drop hints about leaving her. She decided to play the heroine. Went on a mission by herself, without permission. Kathryn was seething. She wanted to personally retrieve Seven. Nobody dared argue, not even Tuvok. It was like the Equinox incident all over again. I came with her, reasoned that Seven would probably listen to me because I was her husband. We managed to retrieve Seven, but Kathryn got shot by one of the natives. She died in my arms. She asked me to kiss her as she died. That was her way of telling me she loved me. I never got to tell her I loved her too..."

His fists were clenched on the table as he told his story. It was obvious that he was desperately trying to keep tears at bay. No matter how many times he revisited the memory, it always got the better of him. He took another breath, and fixed his eyes on his stunned counterpart's face.

"You have to tell her, Commander," he said, not exactly sure of how to address himself. "Don't make my mistake."

"You came back...for Kathryn."

"For a better future. For all of us. She died twice, you know. It took a lot to push me to this point. We managed to get her back after she died in my arms. Comatose...and then we were attacked. Power overload in Sickbay. The doctor got her to safety, but she didn't live long without nanoprobe therapy. I couldn't take command anymore. Too painful. To add insult to injury, Tuvok began losing his mind. He didn't tell us. There's no cure for him except to mind meld with a family member. Paris has himself stretched thin between family, Sickbay, and taking the helm. He's even tried to keep spirits up, practically played morale officer after Kathryn's first brush with death. I wanted him to be my first officer. He turned me down, with good reason. Right now, Harry Kim's in charge of my ship."

Commander Chakotay shook his head in disbelief. "That's my future?"

"Not if I have anything to do with it..."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Well, your engagement's off. Make sure it stays that way, and make sure Kathryn knows that you have no desire to get back together with Seven. I've already told her the result of my marriage, but she needs to hear from you that it's really over."

"And how do I deal with Seven?"

"She was the one who instigated the break-up. Tell her you respect her decision, that you understand her concern for the captain. At least try to be friends with her. You almost did love her, after all. Last thing you want to do is tear her heart to pieces. The lack of fail-safe leaves her very vulnerable to strong emotion right now."

The commander sighed. "This is a lot to take in."

"You have to take it in. I have barely a month here, and I intend to see you with the right woman, and well on your way home before I die."

Captain Chakotay looked thoughtful for a second, then laughed. "I just realized...nobody's assigned me quarters. Mind if I sleep on your couch? I have a busy day overseeing B'Elanna in Engineering tomorrow."

Commander Chakotay chortled. "Take the bed. The doctor's reports tell me you've got a bad back."

"Thanks."

"No problem," said Commander Chakotay, as he sighed to himself. "Got a busy day tomorrow, too. Rather interesting list of things to do you've given me. I have to break up with one woman and make a love confession to another."

"You've played Casanova before. You can handle it. Oh, and a favor..."

"What?"

"Cook from scratch for your dinner with Kathryn tomorrow."

"Is that why you didn't eat much? You realized I replicated the meal?"

"You could say that. Still, more edible than anything she could whip up."

His younger self guffawed. "Well, she can't be perfect."

"She's perfect for you."

Commander Chakotay noted the miserable look on his future self's face. "I'll take good care of her. You know I love her."

"Of course, I know. I was you. Excuse me, I'll retire now."

Captain Chakotay made his way to his younger self's bedroom, and shut the door. Chakotay stripped off his uniform and settled on the couch. Tomorrow was definitely going to be interesting.

It was strange, but the commander and his counterpart awoke at the exact same time. The commander gave his older self use of the bathroom first. The captain took a quick shower, slipped into a freshly replicated uniform, and hurriedly reattached his rank pips before rushing off to Engineering. The commander followed his example and made his way to the bridge. He ran his schedule through his head. He would talk to Seven after his shift, visit Engineering and update his older self on how it went, go over reports, attend a briefing and suggest that any mention of Captain Chakotay be kept out of logs...

He had to commend himself for thinking of that one. Who knew what Starfleet would do with them if they found out they'd so casually thrown the Temporal Prime Directive out the window? Not that he minded, but he didn't want to reach home only to have the crew incarcerated. They could easily say that B'Elanna and Joe came up with the drive. That was somehow the truth, anyway.

Now what was on the agenda after that? More reports and...dinner with Kathryn. It had been awhile since they'd last dined alone together. Not since he'd started dating Seven. He wondered what his older self had told her. He was nervous, to say the very least. Would he be able to tell her how he felt?

Commander Chakotay made it to the bridge and took his seat next to Kathryn. He noted the worried look on her face.

"Something the matter?" he asked.

"Just our visitor," she sighed. "Wondering if there's any way we can save him. I've sent Seven down to Sickbay. Seeing if Borg technology can possibly help produce an antidote."

"Does he know?"

"No. He'd probably disapprove. As far as I know, he doesn't want to be cured. Would make sense...he doesn't want to pollute the timeline. We can't take two of you back to the Alpha Quadrant. But still..."

"It doesn't hurt to try to have your cake and eat it too. We'll try for a cure first. If we get one, we'll think about working our way around the consequences later."

She sighed again, before giving him a smile. "You have no idea how much I've missed having you give me advice."

"Have I really been that distant?"

His look of guilt pained her, and she spoke to reassure him. "It's not all your fault. I should have reached out..."

He leaned in and took her hand, for all on the bridge to see. "Well, I'm reaching out to you now. Kathryn, I-"

She stopped him midsentence, knowing what he was going to say. "Commander, as much as I'd like to engage in this display of affection...best not to get caught up in the moment."

She cleared her throat and gestured to the bridge crew. She extracted her hand from his grasp, and resumed her stern seating posture. He followed suit. Even as they moved away from each other, they both blushed. Tuvok had an eyebrow raised in disapproval, and Harry was smiling at them. Tom was snickering; his back turned from them as he worked at the conn.

"Something funny, Paris?"

"No, sir. Just thinking about how your fiancée will react."

"Former fiancée."

Tom turned from the conn. Tuvok's eyebrow rose further. Harry's hearing perked up.

Kathryn gaped at him. "Commander?"

"Bridge is as good a place as any to announce it. Seven broke off the engagement while we were on shore leave."

"Commander, in my ready room. Now."

He followed her, a smug smile on his face. When the ready room doors closed, she chewed him out.

"What the hell was that?"

"I had a very interesting conversation with...myself, last night."

"And what? He told you to let the entire ship know that you and Seven are over?"

"No, he told me to make it clear to you that Seven and I are over. And by letting the crew know, do I get any clearer?"

"Have you thought about how Seven would feel about this? Maybe she wouldn't want the end of her engagement flaunted for all to see?"

"I'm going to get to that after the shift. I considered her feelings, Kathryn. She and I are going to talk it over like adults. I just wanted you to be absolutely certain that Seven and I are done. Don't try to fix us."

She sighed. "He told you. Doesn't trust me at all. I thought I made it clear to him that I wouldn't step in. He had to take precautionary measures."

"He wasn't going to take any chances. He did lose you twice."

"So he told you everything...I should have figured he'd do something like this."

There was an uneasy silence. Chakotay cleared his throat. "Shouldn't we be getting back on-duty?"

"Oh...right. Dismissed."

They walked out of the ready room and reclaimed their seats. Throughout the shift, the enigma that was Captain Chakotay persisted in occupying their minds.

Commander Chakotay immediately rose after the shift ended. Kathryn had stationed Seven in Sickbay, and that was the first place he intended to go.

He ran the conversation through his head as he boarded the turbolift and asked it to take him to deck five. How would he begin? 'Seven, I agree with you perfectly. We're not a good match. Let's keep the engagement off. No, this has nothing to do with the fact that my future self told me Kathryn will die if I marry you...'

The turbolift doors hissed open. Show time.

He entered Sickbay and saw Seven there with the doctor. They were busily looking over some data at the EMH's work station. It took a few minutes for them to be alerted to Chakotay's presence. They went to meet him together.

"What brings you to Sickbay, Commander?" asked the doctor. The hostility in his tone made it known that Seven hadn't told him yet that she was no longer engaged.

"I came to see my former fiancée."

"Former?" said the doctor, who was very surprised at the development. He turned to Seven. "What does this mean?"

"Commander, I believe a private discussion is in order. Doctor, please excuse us. I will explain the situation to you later."

The EMH gave a mildly annoyed look. "Fine. Computer, deactivate EMH."

"So, you haven't told anyone?" he asked her.

"It seemed irrelevant to notify the crew of the termination of our romantic relationship. They would find out eventually. I expected you to be the one to update them on your newly single status."

"You expected me to tell them?"

"Yes. Have you?"

"Well, yes..."

"If so, what else did you wish to discuss? I assumed you were here to make some futile effort to restore our romantic relationship. That was an error on my part considering you have notified the crew of its termination."

"I'm just here to say that I fully agree with you about the end of our engagement. I just wanted us to end on amiable terms. As friends..."

"Friends? Commander, we have not always been friends, but as of now, I do not harbor any hostility toward you. The termination of our romantic relationship does not mean that our friendship has also ended."

"Really? Because when you slapped me yesterday..."

"An emotional response. I apologize for any injury it may have caused. As I told you yesterday, I am changing. That is one piece of evidence that proves that the changes in me make us ill-suited. You are better suited for the one you are currently hurting."

"Yes, about that...I've decided to romantically pursue Kathryn."

She arched an eyebrow at him, but he could have sworn he'd seen a hint of a sly smile on her face. "You have my support on your latest romantic endeavor. Now, if you will excuse me, the doctor and I need to resume our work on a cure for your counterpart from the future."

"Ah, yes...have you seen him?"

"I assume he is in Engineering. I saw him there earlier today. He did not look pleased to see me and avoided me. I can only hypothesize that our relationship did not end on good terms in his timeline. I saw fit to leave him alone."

"Well, it ended on good terms here and now. Thank you, Seven. I hope you find someone who can make you happy."

He surprised her with an embrace. She was stiff in his arms, but gradually softened. "You are welcome."

He released her and practically bolted for the door. Time to tell his older self that everything was going according to plan.

He boarded the turbolift and requested to go to deck eleven. Upon exiting, he made his way to Main Engineering. When the doors opened to admit him, the sight that greeted him was ghastly.

There he was, his older self...on the floor, gasping for breath, coughing up blood. B'Elanna had knelt beside Captain Chakotay. She and the other engineers had gathered around him. They were trying to pull him to his feet and bring him to Sickbay. He struggled against them, coughing out incoherent words as blood poured from his mouth.

Commander Chakotay rushed to help the engineers. His counterpart was putting up quite the fight. The older man yelped as he tried to resist them, before finally fainting.

He activated his combadge.

"Chakotay to Sickbay. Medical emergency."

* * *

This has to end at part four. Writing such long chapters is draining... Almost 9000 words on this one. I haven't ever written anything this long in one go. Well, I hope you're enjoying this. I'm having a great time writing it. :) Oh, and I've recently noticed an interesting trend in my stories. It seems Chakotay ends up getting slapped around a lot by his girls. What can I say? I've wanted to hit him since Endgame. I'm taking every appropriate opportunity to smack him for being an idiot. xD


	4. Part 4

**Disclaimer: **ST: VOY is not mine.

**Author's Note: **Ok...I have come to the conclusion that this fic has a mind of its own and refuses to end where I want it to. You know what that means...part five. (groans)

**Acknowledgement: **Thanks for checking over this part, quantumsilver. You've been very patient with me, and all my plot holes and grammatical errors. Again, the plot bunnies and the leek army extend their thanks. :) Sorry that this keeps going on and on...

**Inevitable**  
**By mistress amethyst une**

**Part 4**

The doctor had given his prognosis, and it wasn't good. None of the treatments seemed to be working. He and Seven still couldn't identify how and why the poison was affecting Captain Chakotay in such a way. The introduction of nanoprobes into Captain Chakotay's bloodstream had helped to slow the progression of the toxin, but he would still die within the month if a true cure was not found soon.

Captain Chakotay was stubborn, to say the least. The moment the nanoprobes had made him well enough to stand, he made his way back to Engineering and resumed overseeing the developments on the warp drive. He would also regularly visit his younger self, requesting to be updated on how his relationship with Kathryn was going. He was pallid, fatigued, and constantly coughing, but that didn't stop him from making sure his plans were put into play.

It had been two weeks since his collapse in Engineering. The enhanced warp drive had been installed, and preliminary tests were being run. The B'Elanna in this timeline was eager to finish. He had bonded with her as they worked. She wanted him to see the drive up and running before he slipped away.

_"I can't believe I finished this," she told him as they sat at her work station, overseeing the progress of the installation. "When Joe died, I almost forgot about it. In your timeline, I got this up and running within a month?"_

_"Yes."_

_She laughed. "Must have been because of all the tweaking I had to do. This will be done in two weeks, I swear. Your B'Elanna put in all the tweaks she made, so we won't have to do much testing. You'll see us take our first steps to a quicker journey home, I promise."_

She was true to her word. They'd finished testing today. Tomorrow, the enhanced warp drive would go online, and they could celebrate. That was one vital part of the plan done. His declining health was getting in the way of the other part.

_"How do you expect us to go off on a romantic interlude when you're dying?" his younger self scolded._

_"My death is unavoidable," he shot back. "You can't cure me, and I don't want to be cured. Do you want to mess up the timeline? Have Braxton come here and take you all into custody for harboring a fugitive? I've broken the Temporal Prime Directive, and I'm willing to pay the price all by myself. I'll die, and that's that."_

_"There has to be-"_

_He interrupted his younger counterpart. "You have to listen to me. Respect my wishes. I came back here to get you home, bring you and Kathryn together, and make sure the crew gets their happy ending in the Alpha Quadrant. If you save me, you'll destroy all that. How do you think Starfleet will react if they see an alternate version of you from the future? I don't belong here. And don't forget to destroy the chrono deflector. It might be burned out now, but it can't fall into the wrong hands. Could cause trouble if you meet the Akial and they find it onboard. I expect you to destroy my shuttle and all traces of me upon my death. No ifs, ands, or buts. Forget I was even here. All Starfleet will know is that your brilliant chief engineer created an enhanced warp drive. Let me die."_

_"Why are you so eager to die?" his younger self frustratedly asked._

_"Because I want to be with my Kathryn again. She's dead, remember? And I'm not exactly going to ask you to share yours. Besides, the Kathryn in this timeline is a stranger to me. I wasn't exactly speaking to mine during this time. No, I let mine turn cold and stiff, even before she was a corpse in my arms. I have to live and die with that knowledge."_

_His younger self shook his head in dismay._

_Captain Chakotay spoke again. "I'm not exactly sure what happens when a man dies in a timeline other than his own. Things are further complicated by the fact that I'm changing my future. You're never going to turn into me, never have some of my memories and experiences. It'll be like I never existed. And I'm sort of glad to know that. Make her happy, Commander. That's an order."_

Captain Chakotay sighed to himself as he walked to Sickbay. He spent his nights in a stasis chamber and was inoculated with nanoprobes before retiring. It was ironic, really. His circumstances almost exactly mirrored his Kathryn's. Just like her, he was going to die as the people around him clung to futile hopes of saving him.

He awoke to the hiss of his stasis chamber opening. The doctor was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes.

"Good morning, Captain," said the EMH, his tone annoyingly jovial.

"Saying that doesn't make it true," replied Captain Chakotay, as the usual morning headache overtook him.

The doctor brought a hypospray to his neck. "Ah yes.. ever the pessimist. Every morning we have this discourse. Would it hurt to say, 'same to you,' once in awhile?"

Captain Chakotay gritted his teeth. "Same to you."

He left Sickbay in a huff, and made a beeline for his counterpart's quarters. He slept in Sickbay, so the commander had agreed to share his quarters for any other needs. It made him feel quite at home being able to use the same quarters he had in his own timeline. An added bonus was the fact that his counterpart's quarters were in the same happy state of disarray they had been in prior to his marriage to Seven.

He hurriedly boarded a turbolift to deck three, rushed to his door and keyed in his code. He needed to freshen up quickly before proceeding to Engineering. As he stepped in, the sight that greeted him brought a smile to his face. So the other mission had been accomplished after all...

The dining table bore remnants of the night before: two half-empty glasses of wine, dirty dishes left uncleared, cloth table napkins hastily discarded on the floor. He found them on the couch, both asleep. She was nestled in the crook of his younger self's arm, her head lolled to the side. Well, this was certainly a new side of her. She'd certainly let her guard down around his counterpart, to allow herself to be in such a state. But despite being utterly bereft of the stern demeanor she carried while on the bridge, Kathryn Janeway was still the captain, and the fact that she was sleeping in full uniform kept that in mind. Still, it was nice to see her stripped of her command persona while still fully-dressed.

The commander wasn't any better off. He was seated quite uncomfortably as he held her in a protective position. He noted that his younger self snored a bit. Well, it wasn't loud. He shook his head. So they were sleeping together...just not in the way he had expected. Oh well, progress was progress. Last he'd heard, the commander and Kathryn were often seen walking the corridors arm in arm. Not like they hadn't ever done that as friends. The only difference was that they were doing so more frequently. As far as he knew, the two hadn't kissed. At least, not while the crew was anywhere in sight. Still, anyone could sense that there had been a change in the dynamic between the two. They exchanged smiles more often, her touch lingered on him just a little longer whenever she was giving him a pat of encouragement. Subtle things. They were taking it slow and exercising extreme discretion. He could accept that. Good things were worth waiting for.

He left the room in silence. He'd have to use the shower in Paris's quarters today. Well, he was sure B'Elanna wouldn't mind. He hadn't really interacted with Tom except for the few briefings he'd attended with the senior staff. He'd seen Miral a few times. He made his way to deck nine and keyed in the code B'Elanna had given him. She did say he was always welcome if he needed her.

The hiss of the doors opening instigated a startled gasp from Paris. This was soon followed by the shrieking of the child he had been cradling for the better part of the night and early morning, as B'Elanna got some well-deserved rest.

"Shhh..." he begged Miral, as he continued stroking the infant's back while trying to rock her back to sleep. "If Mommy wakes up, Daddy's gonna have his head torn off and used as a cereal bowl. Shhh..."

Paris visibly glared at Chakotay. The quarters were dark, and he couldn't clearly make out which one it was.

"Commander or Captain?" whispered Paris, as he continued rocking his child.

"Captain," Chakotay whispered back. "B'Elanna said I was welcome any time. I couldn't use the sonic shower in my quarters. Mind if I use yours?"

Paris sighed and resumed whispering. "I've been rocking Miral for hours. No one to talk to. This is worse than being in the brig. You can use it, but sit down first. You owe me a chat and some babysitting for putting my life in mortal peril."

"What?"

Paris, both hands busy with his daughter, tilted his head and gestured to the couch. They both sat down, and Paris bounced Miral on his knee as he cradled her. He couldn't help but sigh exasperatedly as he stared at the older man.

"In mortal peril?" asked Chakotay, in a hush.

"The Klingon overlord sleeps," whispered Paris. "You don't want to see her when she doesn't get her forty winks. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you."

"What did you want to talk about?"

"You and the captain. The other you, I mean."

"What about?"

"Thanks."

Captain Chakotay laughed as quietly as he could. "Why?"

"Those two have been burning a hole in my back for the past year. You know, with you going out with Seven and everything...lost a lot of rations thanks to that."

"Rations?"

"Betting pool's no secret. The whole crew was rooting for you getting together with the captain. It was just a matter of when...but then you started dating Seven and it all went to pot."

"Pot?"

"Never mind. Let's just say I lost a lot of rations."

"And you're thanking me?"

"I'm getting to that," he said, as Miral wriggled in his arms. He cooed to his daughter, trying to calm her into stillness before resuming the rhythm of his rocking. "Anyway, they've mellowed these past few weeks. Since you came aboard, actually. I know you're here to take us home and everything, but I just have to find out...what did you do to them?"

Chakotay chortled. "You make it sound like I have them under mind control."

"It's possible. They were practically ignoring each other, avoiding each other, before you came along. I was miserable on the bridge with all that tension burning a hole in my back. Atmosphere in there gets heavy, you know. Gets suffocating when they don't get along. We thought they were never going to snap out of it. So how'd you do it?"

"First, I have to know...what exactly has been happening on the bridge?"

"Nothing much. You did hear about how your other self opted to tell everyone that he and Seven are over."

"I think I was busy writhing and flailing in Engineering at the time. Update me?"

"Well, it looked like he was going to make a love confession to the captain right there and then. She rebuffed him. Something about not getting caught up in the moment. Of course, I was confused, but really, it was funny. No offense, but you did come off as rather cocky after you started dating Seven."

"None taken. And?"

"So I laughed, and he noticed. Asked me what I found funny. I couldn't help but jab at him about how Seven would react. That's when he did it. Told the whole bridge he and Seven were off. You should have seen the captain's face. She looked like she didn't know whether to be happy or furious. Of course, being her, she went for option two and called him to her ready room."

"As expected."

"They came out looking really somber. Sat down and didn't talk for the rest of the shift. It was a different kind of quiet though. Like something had just been put to rest. Ok, I've answered your question. Now it's your turn. What the hell did you do to them?"

"I didn't-"

Captain Chakotay paused as he felt a strange pain in his abdomen. Instinctively, his hands went to clutch at his belly as he doubled over due to the unpleasant sensation. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe. His vision clouded over. He fell from the couch just as Tom put Miral down on the seat. The child's squeals mixed with his screams of pain. He felt Tom's hands on his shoulders, trying to prop him up. He heard the sound of feet pounding on the floor, as well as a female voice. The distraught voice blended in with Tom's frantic words resulting in an unintelligible plea. He could only assume that they were urging him to stay conscious. Miral continued squealing as screams of pain tore themselves from his throat. He fought to keep his eyes open, but pain was blinding him. His eyes shut tight as darkness engulfed him.

When he opened his eyes, there was a definite sense of déjà vu. He recalled the last time he'd lost consciousness in Tom's presence. The bridge, the Akial attack...he'd awoken in the Mess Hall. Yes, all so clear. The state of the ship explained to him by the doctor, Kathryn's body by his side, her hand in his as he was sedated...that wicked dream. He saw three pairs of eyes staring down at him: the doctor's holographic gaze, the reflection of his own stare, and Kathryn's warm, blue eyes glazed over with suppressed emotion. She gripped his bigger right hand in her two smaller ones.

"Nanoprobes," he coughed out, as a metallic taste filled his mouth. A mix of saliva and blood trickled from his mouth. Another cough sent the vile liquid spurting all over him. His face and body were covered with the red droplets. He noted that some of it had spattered on Kathryn, onto her hands holding his, onto her uniform. She hadn't even winced, didn't even make a move to wipe the blood away. She just stood there holding his hand, eyes glazed over with tears she would not let him see her shed. No, she was strong. So very strong.

"Nanoprobe therapy is no longer an option, Captain," said the doctor morosely. He looked down at his patient and battled with his emotional subroutines.

"I'm...going to die? Warp drive..."

"It's going online today," his younger self replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "We'll get home. We promise."

"Take care of Kathryn..."

"I will," he said. "You don't have to worry."

Another bout of coughing seized Captain Chakotay. More blood...and then worse. A dry cough. No more liquid. He began to choke.

"W-what happ-"

The poison was attacking his pulmonary system. Constricting his breathing.

"K-kath-"

"I'm right here," she said, gripping his hand tighter.

"L-love you...a-always..."

"I know."

More choking...the doctor turned away. There was nothing he could do now. Anything he did might only hasten Captain Chakotay's death. He had discussed euthanasia with Captain Janeway, but she said the option was out of the question.

She would not let Captain Chakotay be murdered, for any reason. He had the right to live out the last few moments of his life, even if those moments were to be spent in horrible pain. She had already discussed the issue with him once, and she intended to fulfill his wishes.

_"Kathryn, I'd like to talk about how I'd like to die."_

_"We still might be able to-"_

_"No, you won't. Now, I want you to listen to me. Don't interrupt."_

_She nodded._

_"Under no circumstances are you to have my life terminated. I don't care how much pain I suffer. Don't put me out of my misery."_

_"Of course."_

_"And I have one more selfish request. You don't have to do it if you don't think you can."_

_"What?"_

_"I want you to be there when I go. I want you to be the last thing I see before I die..."_

_"Chakotay...I'll be there. I promise."_

And she was true to her word. Despite all the pain, he felt...fulfilled. He was going to die with his last words being a declaration of love for her. He could die a happy man now. There she was, staring down at him, holding his hand. His younger self was by her side, looking down at him as well. The commander had his arm around her, lending her his support as they fought tears together. Yes, this was the last image Captain Chakotay saw as he writhed on the table and choked. Soon, his vision failed him. His body continued its spasms before finally quieting. One last choking cough tore itself from his throat, taking his last breath with it.

Kathryn stood completely still, still holding his hand, the fresh blood he had just coughed glistening as red droplets against her pale skin. His blood was literally and figuratively on her hands. He had died to save her. This was all her fault...

Reluctantly, she released his hand from her grasp. She wiped the blood spatter from her hands onto her trousers. She knew that there was more spatter on her uniform but made no attempt to clean that up. He had irrevocably stained her. She seemed to struggle with keeping her breath steady, while she choked on the lump in her throat. The monitor attached to him filled Sickbay with a haunting, continuous beep. The doctor came forward with his tricorder to confirm the death. Captain Chakotay was gone. No, she couldn't cry now...there was so much to do.

Chakotay's arm was still around her. She quickly removed his hold on her. It was apparent that she was fighting tears, but she needed to keep her crew safe from prosecution. Starfleet was never to know about this gross violation of the Temporal Prime Directive. She issued her orders to the EMH.

"Dispose of the body," she said. Her voice was stern, despite how her body trembled. Her hands were at her sides, but they had both balled into fists. "Put him in the stasis chamber used for his nanoprobe therapy. Make sure it's loaded into the shuttle that brought him here. Erase all his medical records."

"Captain?"

"He wanted to have all traces of him removed from Voyager upon his death. Everything that relates to him having existed onboard is to be loaded into his shuttle. We're going to destroy his vessel. All data concerning him is to be purged."

"But Captain-"

"That's an order!" she practically screamed. A stray tear spilled from her eyes. She was hiding her grief behind duty and efficiency.

She quickly wiped the tear away and took a deep breath to calm herself. She then turned to Chakotay.

"The crew was instructed to keep any mention of your counterpart out of their logs. Make sure that those orders were followed. We need to-"

She quickly found herself in his embrace. She immediately lost her train of thought, lost track of the orders she had frantically begun barking out to keep from facing the reality of Captain Chakotay's passing.

"It's all right, Kathryn. Let it go."

"I c-can't," she said, still fighting the urge to cry. "He died because of me. I can't...I- I don't know what to do."

She tried to push him away. She wanted to run, to cry in the privacy of her quarters, and lock herself away from everyone. Maybe after a private purge, she would find herself capable again. He wasn't about to let her go. His embrace only tightened the more she struggled.

"Kathryn, I won't let you run away from this. We have to face this together. I'm not going to let you deal with this alone. I'm not going to lose you."

"Let me go!" she screamed, finally bursting into tears out of sheer frustration. "You're dead but you're alive. You're dead because of me. If I die, you'll go and kill yourself over me...I can't stand it! Let me go!"

He was stunned by her display of emotion. He let her go, and she made her way out of Sickbay. It only took a few seconds for him to realize that he'd made the wrong decision. He quickly caught up with her. He entered the turbolift just before the doors closed. They were going to talk about this.

"Deck three," she said, ignoring him and trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Computer, halt turbolift."

"What do you think you're doing?" she turned to him. Her face showed raw pain. Her eyes were red, and she was quivering. Somehow, she'd managed to stop the deluge of tears that had come tumbling down her face when he'd forcibly held her. Still, it was apparent that it would only take a small push to tear the floodgates open again. "Computer, resume. Deck three!"

"Computer, halt turbolift," he repeated. Her hand made the motion to slap him, but he caught her wrist and pulled her to him.

"Look at me! I'm not dead, okay? And I'm not going to die...I'm not! I'm not ever going to leave you!"

"Don't make promises you can't keep!" she said, struggling to free her arm. "This was what I was afraid of. We should never have started this relationship! Look at me...your counterpart just died, and now I'm in pieces! How can I take command like this? How will I get us home? How can I fulfill what he asked of me? This isn't fair!"

"No, it's not. Nothing is. But we have to deal with it!"

"How? I don't know anymore. Damn it, it was so much easier when I had Starfleet principles to cling to. He should have been nothing to me. Just a violation of the Temporal Prime Directive to be eliminated. You should have been nothing to me. Just my first officer...but no. I went and complicated things. I fell in love with him, with you...I got jaded and wanted to toss protocol out the window because it was making me unhappy. Now, look at this mess! I have to conceal a crime, erase the man who died turning back time to save me. To further complicate things, that man is you! But he's not you...I don't know anymore. I just don't know!"

He felt himself attempt to swallow the lump forming in his own throat. He shared her confusion, but they had to get through this even if it meant flying blind.

"Computer, resume," he finally said, releasing her arm.

"What?"

"I don't know what to do either. I do know what not to do. Trapping you in a turbolift and forcing you to face things head-on is one of them."

"You're letting me go?"

"I didn't say that. I'm staying with you. I'm not letting you push me away. We're not going to have a repeat of what happened in the void. I'm not going to let you cut yourself off, while the crew and I burn ourselves out worrying and wondering if you're planning something foolhardy to satisfy your need for redemption."

"What? You plan on staging a sit-in of some sort?"

The turbolift doors opened. They paused for a second. She stepped out first. He made sure to stand in her way when he exited. He put a gentle but firm hand on her shoulder.

"If necessary," he stated. "Didn't do that last time. Time I changed strategy."

"Chakotay-"

"You're not the only one who has some grieving to do. Think about it, Kathryn. I just watched myself die! This isn't just your burden to bear."

She sighed, defeated. "So, we talk? What? This isn't something we can solve by having you play ship's counselor to me. We can't let emotions get in the way right now. We have duties to fulfill, so much to do...our feelings for each other-"

He cut her off before she could say something he knew they would both regret. "Just let me stay by your side."

She looked at him, her eyes still glazed over. Perhaps, this was just what she needed. She didn't feel like talking, and he wasn't about to force her. She just needed sanctuary, time to compose herself, someone to lean on as she picked up the pieces. No more stumbling in the dark letting loneliness get the best of her. Someone to reassure her that she would never be alone again, even as existence crumbled around them. Gently, she placed her hand on the hand he'd placed on her shoulder. She took it in hers.

"Come with me then," she said, leading him to her quarters. She keyed in her code, and they made their way into the darkness. She requested minimal illumination, just enough to make out the shapes of furniture in the room to be certain that they didn't meet any accidents. He understood. She wanted to grieve away from the light. Didn't want her tears to be visibly perceptible should she allow herself the luxury of spilling them...

She felt strange. She'd just watched him die. Had his blood spatter on her...and yet, here he was. He was with her, holding her hand, calming her. She made her way to the couch, and he took his usual seat next to her. She leant into him, rested her head on his chest. There was silence. He felt warm tears trickling onto his uniform jacket. She was quietly crying on him. He knew his own eyes were far from dry. In silence, they shed tears together. No words were needed. Just being in each other's company was enough. The next day, they would have to face all the confusion and chaos wrought by Captain Chakotay's death. Tomorrow, they would have to detonate the shuttle and face it all. Maybe even talk...but now was not the time. They rested as the orders she had issued, while she had desperately tried to stand strong, were being fulfilled. Only for now...a few hours of repose before facing the unknown.

* * *

I swear this has to end soon. Why won't this story die? xD


	5. Part 5

**Disclaimer: **ST: VOY is not mine.

**Author's Note: **The world sucks and my brain is all messed up from these matrices for math class. I'm also utterly graceless in taichi. If my instructor tells me to relax one more time...grr. Well, at least I've finally ended this story. And yes, I call her Janeway, instead of Kathryn through most of this chapter to emphasize how her crew still doesn't see her as Kathryn, even after eight years.

**Acknowledgment: **Thanks yet again, quantumsilver. Sorry about how this ended up getting so long. The plot bunny didn't know when to quit. Luckily, you didn't quit on me either. :)

**Inevitable**  
**By mistress amethyst une**

**Part 5**

"Captain on the bridge," announced Tuvok as Janeway entered.

"At ease," she said. She made her way to the central command area and stood there, her eyes fixed on the view screen. She could clearly see the shuttle containing everything pertaining to Captain Chakotay, including the deceased himself, had been set on autopilot and was now adrift. They'd also loaded twenty-five tons of Thalmerite explosives onboard. It was to be detonated by a phaser blast from Voyager. They intended to jump to impulse the moment they fired, in order to avoid the blast. There would be no traces left of him, which was just as he'd wanted it to be.

As she'd requested, the entire senior staff was present on the bridge. Captain Chakotay didn't want a memorial service of any sort, but the people he'd deeply affected deserved the chance to see him off. B'Elanna sat sternly at her Engineering console. She was visibly distraught but found that she could maintain some semblance of calm despite the current circumstances. There was a storm of guilt and disappointment brewing within her. She had promised Captain Chakotay that he'd be able to see the enhanced warp drive go online. She hadn't been fast enough. Instead, she'd awoken to the sounds of him screaming in agony as her child cried. She and Tom had desperately tried to keep him conscious, but he had slipped away. She'd rushed to Engineering after that incident...got the drive up and running as quickly as she could. She hadn't been quick enough. He still died before he could see it. Damn it, she could have had it up and running the day before. Her mind was full of "what ifs." What if she hadn't run that extra diagnostic? What if she'd been quicker with those plasma relays? What if she'd worked on the warp plasma manifold before the field generator?

The doctor appeared similarly somber as he stood a few feet from B'Elanna. He felt like he hadn't been able to do everything he could. True, the toxin had just progressed too rapidly but it was mostly because the stress Captain Chakotay had put himself through made the poison move faster through his system. If only he'd been able to stop him from spending so much time working in Engineering...he hadn't felt this guilt-stricken since Ensign Jetal.

Seven had taken her station between Tactical and Ops. She stood firm and wore her usual indiscernible expression that could only be described as...efficient.

Tom sat silently at the Conn, his eyes darting toward the view screen the moment the captain had said, "at ease." Like B'Elanna, he felt regret over the death. If he'd arranged for the emergency transport sooner, maybe Captain Chakotay would have lived a few days longer. He honestly didn't know if that would've helped any, but that didn't keep guilt from plaguing him.

Harry had his eyes on the captain. He hadn't really been able to interact much with their visitor from the future, but he could sense the sadness from his superior.

Commander Chakotay rose from his seat to stand beside the captain. He placed a hand on her shoulder as she took a deep breath before saying the one word that would permanently erase the man who turned back time to get them home and save her.

"Fire."

Tuvok activated the phaser array.

"Now, Tom!" she ordered, just as the beam hit the shuttle, detonating the explosives. She only caught a flash of the explosion. Tom immediately jumped to impulse. The ship didn't even shudder from the shockwave. After a few tense minutes, she issued her next command.

"Take us back, Mister Paris. Let's survey the damage."

"Aye, sir."

She held her breath, steeling herself. The small field of debris came into view. This was all that was left of him. She gave herself a few seconds to absorb the sight, before turning from the view screen, dislodging Chakotay's hand from her shoulder in the process. He understood her need for a bit of distance, and continued standing behind her.

"Lieutenant Torres, Seven, doctor, you're dismissed."

Seven and the doctor turned to leave, but B'Elanna sat firm.

"That's it?" she asked her captain. "After all he's done for us, that's it?"

"Lieutenant, you're out of line. Dismissed."

Seven and the doctor paused, despite their close proximity to the door leading out. All eyes were on Voyager's chief engineer.

"I beg your pardon, _m__a'am_. But how can you be so cold?"

"B'Elanna," interjected Chakotay, in a warning tone. "Don't-"

Janeway raised a hand to silence Chakotay. She needed to handle this herself.

"Lieutenant, you're dismissed. We'll discuss your insubordination later."

B'Elanna took a breath, and inwardly scolded herself for her outburst. No, this was not a talk she wanted to have in front of the entire senior staff. She gritted her teeth and got up from her seat. Without ceremony, she exited the bridge, flanked by Seven and the doctor.

Janeway turned and took her seat. Chakotay followed suit.

"Mister Paris, warp six."

Tom did as he was bade, feeling a familiar uneasiness filling the bridge. He and B'Elanna definitely needed to talk. His wife was obviously upset by the captain's reaction, or rather lack of reaction, to Captain Chakotay's death. B'Elanna had worked closely with their visitor from the future, and it was understandable that she would be disturbed. Also, she'd spent a lot of time, and even a few dinners, with Captain Janeway recently. Perhaps, there had been some recent animosity between the two women over their views regarding Chakotay...both Chakotays.

Like B'Elanna, he wondered what had happened to their commanding officer. She'd finally warmed up, in light of being provided with a clear means toward getting home and, admittedly, the fact that Chakotay was smitten with her once more didn't hurt. He'd overheard her conversations with him voicing her worry about his counterpart. Now that Captain Chakotay was dead, why was she suddenly more frigid then ever? Trying to stay strong in front of them? He knew it wouldn't be like her to let the crew see her cry, but at least they'd know she still had a heart in there. Letting her heart break in silence had always been Janeway's style. The crew could always sense when she was distraught, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. It wouldn't be very captain-like to weep in front of them. Still, after eight years in the Delta Quadrant, she was more than a captain to them, she was their friend.

She deserved the right to show her emotions. Granted, he didn't expect her to go about hysterically sobbing on the job, but she deserved to let her pain show in a situation like this. No one would have faulted her for letting herself shed a few tears right now. Heck, they'd have been relieved to see her cry, knowing she was still human beneath her command persona. But no...there she sat, behind him, tears unshed. He wondered if she was turning her heart to ice to avoid all the pain and confusion he knew they were all feeling. A heart of ice to freeze the tears within her...

Out of the corner of his eye, Voyager's helmsman stole a glance at what was occurring behind him. Chakotay sat still, looking at the view screen. The commander was probably having the toughest time out of all of them...

Chakotay sat there, not really seeing what was in front of him. He didn't turn to face her. He knew she would need her time alone after this shift and the duties of the day were through. She intended to grieve alone for awhile... he knew he did, too. She'd let him hold her the night before. They'd wept in silence together. There was an unspoken promise between them, an oath not to push each other away once they'd finished contemplating on their own. He knew she'd be true to that promise. He sighed to himself, wondering if he could talk her out of confronting B'Elanna later. He knew she wasn't cold, although she'd given the crew every indication of that the moment she'd stepped onto the bridge. He was the only one who wasn't fooled by her dispassionate display. She'd painted herself as cold after letting her guard down the night before. This was her way of coping...skirting around the issue, doing her duty.

It had to change. Soon...not now. Now, she needed to indulge in loneliness and regret. He could only hope they wouldn't engulf her, as they had done several times before, that she would defeat her negative feelings. If she couldn't...well, he'd just have to go in and save her then.

The shift soon ended, and she immediately headed toward her ready room. He knew she was going to call B'Elanna now. He followed her in, braced himself for a scolding. The emotions were too raw for her to go explaining herself to someone right now. At least not alone...

"Commander-"

"I'm not leaving. We're talking to B'Elanna together. You're in no condition to be facing her down right now."

"Who are you to judge my condition?"

"Someone who's dealing with the exact same thing that you are. I thought we settled this last night."

"Last night...I let myself go. I'm back in control now."

"I don't think so. You think you look composed, Kathryn? I've got news for you. You're not. You just come off as someone cold who's suppressing a natural emotional response for duty's sake. You could have at least let yourself look sad, let a bit of it out. No wonder B'Elanna reacted. And don't even think about slapping me for this. You know I'm right."

"So what? What good will it do having you here while I talk to her?"

"For one thing, I'll be here to make sure you don't say something you'll regret."

She scoffed. "I know what I'm doing, Commander."

"Then prove it. Let me stay and watch. If I don't see a need to intercede throughout the entire conversation, you'll have gotten your point across."

She gritted her teeth. "There's no getting rid of you."

"I wouldn't be a 'fine first officer' if I let my captain do something foolhardy. Call her, Kathryn. Let's get this over with."

She huffed before relenting and activating her combadge. "Janeway to Torres. In my ready room, now."

"Yes, ma'am." said the voice on the other end, flatly.

Janeway moved to sit behind her desk, and Chakotay stood beside her. B'Elanna entered a few minutes later, her face surprisingly blank as she stood at attention before the two most senior officers aboard.

"At ease," said Janeway. "Lieutenant, I would have expected you to exercise more control earlier. If you have a problem with a superior, you are to discuss it with them in private. Is that understood?"

"Understood," B'Elanna parroted back, as an act of defiance. The angry flash in the younger woman's eyes was not lost on her captain.

Janeway seemed to sigh. "I'm not getting through to you this way. You think I've put myself on a pedestal, don't you? The inhuman captain who can't bring herself to grieve with her crew...that I'm cold and I didn't care about him. I've seen the way you look at me during funerals. It disturbs you that I don't cry like the rest, that I can stand there and talk about a dead crewman meaning a lot to me without so much as a tear. And now this...I don't even bother to hold a wake for him, just blew him to smithereens without so much as a word. That's what you wanted to talk about it, isn't it?"

B'Elanna was taken aback. So the captain knew exactly what her chief engineer thought of her. True, it was only recently that B'Elanna had been bothered by her commanding officer seeming numb to the emotional impact of everything around her. The captain just suppressed herself well-- some might say too well. They'd shared a few talks with her before Captain Chakotay's arrival, even a few dinners. B'Elanna had even felt that she was coming close to being on a first name basis with her captain. The talks had been casual, but far from personal...ship business, questions about how she'd been doing with Miral. Janeway never let their conversation get too heavy, despite how her eyes gave every indication that she desperately needed someone to confide in.

Ever since Chakotay had begun dating Seven, the command team had drifted apart, and it was not lost on the crew how rarely they spoke, how he never arrived at casual crew functions with her on his arm anymore. B'Elanna had meant to make her next dinner with the captain a more personal affair. The older woman had counseled her through so much, and she thought she owed her captain a few words of advice whether she wanted to hear them or not. But then, Captain Chakotay came aboard and they were all swept up in the flurry of it all. B'Elanna had taken to working overtime in Engineering while Janeway had seemingly lightened in mood and reconnected with her first officer upon their visitor's arrival. It seemed they wouldn't be needing to have that talk after all...but then this happened. Another death, one that was, not to diminish the other casualties of the journey, probably the most significant yet...and the captain regarded it as coldly as, no, more coldly that the rest. B'Elanna just hadn't been able to control her outrage at that. When would their captain learn that it was all right to let herself go in front of them in that sort of situation?

"Lieutenant?" interjected Janeway, noting how she'd stunned her chief engineer. "Is that what you wished to discuss?"

"Y-yes, Ma'am," she stuttered, still a bit shaken by her superior's ability to read her.

"What did you want to tell me? About my being cold? Speak freely."

Oh hell...this wasn't going to be as easy as she thought. Her fiery resolve had been been doused. She inhaled deeply in an attempt to compose herself before replying.

"I just wanted to comment on your lack of reaction to our visitor's passing. I thought he meant more to you and the crew. That he deserved more than being wiped from existence and blown up..."

She referred to Captain Chakotay as their "visitor," not daring to call him Chakotay in front of his living counterpart, who stood silently beside his captain throughout the entire conversation.

"I suppose I'm at fault for not making circumstances clear to the crew. There's been so much to deal with of late. I was mistaken in assuming you would all understand. Very well. You should know that I only followed Captain Chakotay's wishes. He didn't want anything memorializing him upon his death, no funeral of any sort. It hurt me to do what I did. I'll admit that. I didn't want to erase him from existence like that...but it had to be done. He wanted to protect this crew from persecution once we reached home. Hide any evidence of us having violated the Temporal Prime Directive. He also thought it might be easier to forget him if we didn't dwell on his death. He wanted it to be as if he never existed. I did my best to make it so. If I came off as cold in the process-"

"That's not it! Not just now. You've been cold since you had to turn the crew down about exploring that Borg-infested nebula-- no, longer than that. It was like you were slowly dying inside the longer the journey took. When he came onboard, you warmed up to us again. Reminded me of the earlier years of the journey. All that hope rekindled in you. It gave us the strength to get the new drive up and running. But then...it's like you've suffered a relapse. Oh sure, he made you do it. He told you to treat his death like that. Just because he told you to forget him doesn't mean you have to. He'd have to understand that you couldn't possibly do that. That none of us could possibly do that!"

A tear streaked down B'Elanna's face. She made no move to wipe it away. Chakotay began to walk forward to comfort his comrade. Janeway raised her hand to stop him before rising from her chair herself. She moved toward the lieutenant and stood in front of her before moving to embrace her.

B'Elanna wept, unknowingly echoing her captain's words back to her. "It's just not fair."

Janeway tried to soothe B'Elanna, stroking her back as she cried. She felt the guilt seeping from her chief engineer: the same guilt she felt as captain. She was only glad that B'Elanna didn't have the burden of knowing that her future self was the one who'd given Captain Chakotay the chronexaline that killed him.

Janeway had wondered about that...how B'Elanna could give her dearest friend something that would kill him just so he could pursue this suicide mission. Further proof of how twisted the future he'd come from truly was...

"Permission to be relieved," B'Elanna manage to say once she'd regained some composure.

"Granted," replied Janeway. She released her chief enginneer.

B'Elanna made a hasty exit. Janeway shuddered uneasily upon the departure, holding her breath as tears threatened to surge out of her. She brought her hand up to cover her mouth, attempting to stifle herself from making any perceptible noises of distress. Chakotay put an arm around her and led her to the couch. He went to replicate her a cup of coffee and placed it in her still-trembling hands. Through it all, he'd been the silent presence in the room, urging her through the conversation. She'd done well. No flaring temper, just honesty and acceptance.

"How can you stay so calm through this?" she finally asked him, her coffee still untouched. He was thankful that her hands had stilled, although her voice gave away her distress.

"I'm not," he replied. "I just don't blame myself. I don't blame him for what he did. I'm disturbed by his passing...but I accept it. I don't know...I didn't understand him perfectly, but I know I would have done the exact same thing if faced with his circumstances. No one should blame themselves for this. It was his choice. He told me he would have died sooner if he hadn't done this, that he had intended on wasting away in his quarters. To him, this mission of his was a month on loan from death. Said he died the moment you slipped away a second time, that this gave him a new lease on life...a short one, but it was all he had. Just a bit of hope for us, for home. It was a precious gift and I don't intend on wasting it by laying blame and feeling guilt. I'm him, somewhat...seeing you and the crew like this isn't what he would have wanted."

"Well...we didn't have as much insight into him as you. It's human nature to feel guilt."

"One should feel guilty about something that could be avoided. We did all we could, but we couldn't keep him from dying. It wasn't something we could have prevented."

"But-"

"Kathryn, I know. There was no way of stopping it. Believe me. You need to make peace with that. Grieve and let it go. Please. If you do that, the crew will probably follow suit. If they don't, well...I'll be here to explain."

She shook her head, her coffee mug tightly clasped in her hands. "Do you think I'm cold?"

"No...you're just suppressed. Always keeping everything inside. It's been eight years. Maybe it's time you started acting less like a captain and more like a human being."

"Excuse me?"

"Ease up, Kathryn. Not right now...but soon."

"Chakotay...I'm not sure how to let this go."

"You always figure it out in the end."

"Do you think he meant it?"

"What?"

"That we're not to commemorate him in any way. It just feels wrong to me."

"You want to remember."

She nodded. "And I want the crew to remember but he-"

"He didn't mean it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I'm him, remember? If he saw how miserable you were, I'm sure he'd consent; I would. Just a small ceremony to mark his passing."

"But there's nothing left of him..."

He kissed her forehead. "There's me."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, he would have wanted it to be understated. And he specified that he didn't want a wake. I'll tell you when you're feeling better."

He rose to get up, but her voice halted him. "Tell me now."

lll--lll--lll--lll--lll

PADDs. Hundreds of them. Released into the vacuum of space. They floated gracefully amongst the ruins once surrendered to the open starlit darkness. Comforting thoughts joining the debris. To keep him company for eternity...

She looked out the viewport of her ready room. They'd decided to return to the location where they'd detonated Captain Chakotay's shuttle. They were going to stay by the debris field for two days-- just in case anyone had some last minute thoughts they wanted to impart to the nothingness that was now Captain Chakotay's tomb.

She had to commend Chakotay for the idea. It was understated. And deeply private...everyone could write what they wished and not be judged as they would have been if they'd spoken at a funeral. She wouldn't have to submit to the harsh glare brought on by the attention of her crew. A crew who saw her as cold because she could not bring herself to cry... that would have to change. Right now, she wasn't sure how. They had three years...well, four if they took her thirst for exploration into consideration. They had time. Time to mull over what they would do once they came home, time to adjust, time to change...

She raised her mug of cold, bitter coffee to honor him. Without a thought, she swallowed the beverage, forgetting just how long she'd been standing there, and how the drink had cooled. She made a face before turning from the viewport and making her way to her desk. Her PADD had yet to be set adrift. Blank...what did she have to say? He knew everything. She'd already told him she loved him. He wouldn't want her to be sorry. No, there were no words.

She sighed, and smiled to herself. She understood now. There was no way she could have stopped him from doing as he wished, no way she could have kept him from death...circumstance had just driven him onto his course, and there was no way she could have caused him to deviate from that course.

He'd been happy. Chakotay had told her so. If he had been in his older self's place, he would have done the exact same thing...and he would have been happy. Happy to have been of service to the crew, and even happier to have helped her cheat death. What did you tell a man like that?

She took the PADD, and brought it with her to the couch. For the first time, she wondered what her future self would have said if she'd borne witness to Captain Chakotay's plan. Would she have understood, as the current Kathryn Janeway now did? She assumed her future self would have. It would have been difficult to comprehend his dying for her, but she would have eventually understood. What would _she_ have said to him? No blame, no apologies. The starry expanse, framed by the viewport behind her, lit up her face as she finally got her words down.

"I'm here."

And that was enough...the eternal reassurance that she would never let him be lonely again. The same unspoken promise his present self had given her.

The doors to her ready room opened. There he stood, smiling at her. She set the PADD down on the coffee table.

"Finished your message?" he inquired.

She couldn't help but smile back. "Just did."

"Had a lot to say?"

"You'd be surprised. I'll turn it in tomorrow."

He nodded. "Just came over to see how you were doing."

"Better," she replied. "Not great, but better. Come sit."

He made his way to the couch, and sat next to her. Their eyes met, and he studied her face. She looked...peaceful.

"In a few years we'll be home...this time, for sure," she said. "Well, surer than all the other false starts. Out here, nothing's a sure thing."

The peace on her face was suddenly shattered by apprehension. He stroked her cheek, hoping his touch could offer some comfort. "I'm a sure thing...no matter what the place or timeline, I'll find my way to you."

"Destiny? If you'd been someone else, I'd have dismissed that as a silly romantic notion, Commander."

"And because it's me?"

"Well, as far as I know, you're the only man in history to somehow prove that notion."

He chortled, before his lips gently brushed against hers. "I'm glad to hold that distinction."

Behind them, bits of debris caught the starlight and twinkled bright. A sense of quiet approval permeated Voyager. All was as it should be.

**-End**

Whee! It's done. I won't be writing much for awhile. My laptop's busted and I'm stuck with just school computers. Also, have to focus on my studies... (sighs)


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